Holiday Party Outfits, Ranked by How Easy It Is to Go Pee in Them

The New York Times has named the winter’s hottest party wear trend: the LBJ (“little black jumpsuit” — not Lady Bird Johnson, unfortunately). After perusing the LBJ trend piece, the thinking woman has but one response: stylish, yes, but how do you pee?

As everyone knows, holiday parties center around two things only, depending on context. In the context of Love Actually, holiday parties center around making eyes at Professor Snape while his wife watches with a weary, hardened patience. In every other context, holiday parties center around stuffing yourself with mini-quiches and drinking a lot. Thus, the LBJ conundrum.

“You don’t have to think about [the LBJ] too much, you just add heels and some makeup and you’re done,” says one woman interviewed by the Times. “Nobody has the time to go home and get changed anymore.” BUT NOBODY HAS TIME TO STRIP COMPLETELY NAKED IN ORDER TO EMPTY THEIR BLADDER EITHER. The woman on-the-go cannot interrupt her drunk-networking (or whatever it is that women on-the-go do by night) to wriggle out of a cloth-sarcophagus with increasing frequency as the evening progresses. You probably end up constantly rolling your outfit down and then pulling it back on, only to find that it immediately needs to come off again. In your festive LBJ, you become a pee-Sisyphus. A Pissyphus, if you will. So, what is to be done?

Don’t worry, guys. I’ve got you covered. Covered like a jumper that encases you from your ankles to the top of your breasts, impeding your free and prolific micturition. Without further ado, here is a list of Holiday Party Outfits Ranked By How Easy It Is To Go Pee In Them.

Holiday Party Outfits Ranked By How Easy It Is To Go Pee In Them (Descending Order)

LBJ (necromancer pants made out of the original LBJ). These are magically welded to your skin. No getting out of here.
Snow pants with a one piece swimsuit underneath. I don’t know what kind of fucked-up parties you people are going to, but this one would be themed “Igloo Swim Team” and peeing would be impossible.
LBJ (little black jumpsuit). As discussed in great length before — I have a lot of feelings about a great variety of topics, guys — you have to get COMPLETELY NAKED in order to go about your bathroom business. Difficult.
Leotard with crotch snaps. I have one of these, but not in a sex way. It’s from a thrift store but originally from Gap Kids (**fashionista**). Anyway, doing up crotch snaps is surprisingly challenging although ripping them open with wild abandon does make you feel alive.
A very tight skirt that you have to wriggle out of and then it keeps riding up. It’s like you are undergoing a reverse Little Mermaid transformation every time you put it back on. You are repeatedly acting out the plot of Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea.
Pants. But who wears pants to an office party? How are you gonna fit all the mini quiches in with your waistline restricted like that?
A sensible skirt/dress. If your holiday party is themed “regular humans” (BORING).
A sexy Santa costume. I think probably a lot of people from SantaCon have wet themselves whilst wearing these so there’s already a historical precedent.
A space suit. Astronauts get to pee in their boots and everyone calls them national heroes for it!
Adult diapers. Problem solved, ladies. You’re welcome.