Highlights From A Bewildering Interview With Herman Cain
LatestHerman Cain’s interview with GQ has hit the ass of the internet like a swiftly moving hand of playful workplace encouragement. We already knew Cain is well versed in public buffoonery, and this interview doesn’t disappoint. Let’s take a look at nine ways in which Princess Pizza has embarrassed himself this time.
Real men prove that they are He Men cockmasters at all times, including when selecting pizza toppings.
The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.
…A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.
Yes, nothing sissier than a man eating something that isn’t carcinogenic to the ass when eaten in large quantities, and nothing more manly than a man who continues packing his colon full of manly red meat after recovering from Stage IV colon cancer only 5 years ago. Manly for President!
A famous Muslim guy told Herman Cain once that most Muslims think that terrorism is hunky dory, ergo it must be true.
I know that there are peaceful Muslims, and there are extremists. I have nothing against peaceful Muslims. Nothing whatsoever. But I also know that we must be careful of extremists and we must be careful of the tendency by some groups in this country to infuse their beliefs into our laws and our culture.
… I have talked with Muslims that are peaceful Muslims. And I have had one very well known Muslim voice say to me directly that a majority of Muslims share the extremist views.
It’s always wonderful to have the good fortune to run into someone who just so happens to be the official spokesperson for an entire group of millions of people, capable of speaking for everyone with authority. I actually used to work with a guy who claimed to be the Official Spokesperson of All Men, and he claimed that all men like it when women act dumb, so lucky me, right? Steve Harvey? Also man spokesperson.
Anyway, thank goodness Herman Cain ran into the voice of the American Muslim, and that he can finally use the anonymous, unnamed source to reach an ironclad conclusion. We all know how much credence Cain puts in anonymous, unnamed sources making serious allegations.
Terrible pizza is delicious.
Chris Heath: What’s the best piece of pizza you’ve ever had?
Herman Cain: Obviously I’m going to say Godfather’s.
Chris Heath: But is it true?
Herman Cain: It is true. It gets back to top-quality ingredients.
This is stupid because Godfather’s pizza sucks. Everybody knows this.
It’s okay to say something that’s sort of sexist as long as you remark that you’re quite the Bugs Bunny style beloved smart mouth afterward.