High Heels Are Turning You Into a Hobbling Claw-Toed Monster

In a press release for the study, consulting orthopedic surgeon Andy Goldberg says that instead of looking at isolated X-rays of a foot and ankle from one angle, the PEDCat 3D scanner lets doctors see how the foot and ankle function inside shoes “fully weight bearing.” “This will help us treat patients earlier to prevent long term problems, and influence the design of new and better footwear in the future,” says Goldberg.

In the above animation, Goldberg further explains the grisly effects of prolonged high heel-wearing on the feet, including intense pain and “fixed clawing of the toes” (which is like elf feet, but in reverse). “For many years,” Goldberg adds “our feet have had to fit into someone else’s ideas of someone else’s ideas of our shoes rather than making shoes to fit our feet, and that paradigm has to change.”

Booooooooooooooooo!!!

I used to wear heels every day. Even when it was stupid. It was a point of pride. I towered over men and felt like a sexy she-Hulk. I danced so hard I’d be numb below the ankle for days. I tromped up and down my college campus’s giant hills thinking, “MY TOES ARE SOLDIERS.” I turned ankles and lost heels in grates and slipped down flights of stairs (no traction on those bitchez) and walked home barefoot so that my feet were all sliced up and black. CLEARLY IT WAS A GREAT PLAN.

Now that I am no longer 25 and can’t even be bothered to shave my legs or put on clothes or moisturize or open my eyes or leave the house or be vertical or wash fruit before I eat it, my heel collection has been sloooooowly dwindling. My toe-soldiers are in open revolt. Sometimes I’ll slip on a pair of heels but chicken out by the time I get to the door. The pain just isn’t worth it anymore—and fortunately, I suppose, laziness + LTR took over before my shit got permanently clawed. (I did recently invest in these, though, and I’m PRETTY JAZZED ABOUT IT.)

That said, fuck the foot-scientists. High heels look amazing and I would totally still wear them if I could stand it. You do you.