Here's That Girls Porn Parody You Didn't Ask For

By Callie Beusman | May 23, 2013 | 7:30pm

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HBO’s Girls is somewhat notorious for featuring lots of sexually explicit content: nipples! money shots! Lena Dunham peeing on the train tracks while an elderly couple looks on! If you’re an aspiring pornographic film director or producer, you’ve probably noticed that the only thing Girls is missing is actual penetration. (And NO, the q-tip in the eardrum scene does NOT count, because my daily mental well-being hinges on pretending I never witnessed that).

Thankfully, the enterprising men and women at Hustler have put an end to this egregious oversight. They’ve just wrapped their very own Girls porn parody, which is titled “This Ain’t Girls XXX.” It stars Richie Calhoun, who is apparently Ryan Gosling’s porn doppelganger, as Adam, and Alex Chance as Hannah. It promises to be as off-kilter as the TV show. In the promotional photo, porn-Hannah is eating a red velvet cake on the toilet.

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“I tried to make it as weird as possible,” Calhoun told XBIZ, the porn industry business news magazine. “I tried to say really weird things and do really weird positions.

“Well, not that weird,” he quickly added, probably thinking of the scene in the TV show where Adam talks about fucking Hannah’s Cabbage Patch lunch box or whatever.

The plot of “This Ain’t Girls XXX” is as follows:

Hannah (Alex Chance) decides to forsake men, and boyfriend Adam, to experiment with lesbianism. After a few satisfying jaunts [probably shaving Jessa’s legs using her vagina] she returns to Adam — and mankind.

Adam accepts her back into the fold, but, true to the original show, adds a dominant and quirky dimension to the scene… The ensuing sex involves mild BDSM with a sprinkling of strange: In addition to dirty talk and rough sex, Adam uses a candy ballgag attached to a stretchy cord to direct Hannah’s face towards him.

If there is no masturbation scene set to “Dancing On My Own,” I’m suing.

Seriously, though, Girls is a show that’s been lauded as groundbreaking because of its frank portrayal of all of the awkward and uncomfortable intricacies of sex. The sex in Girls is often rather unsexy, and for a good reason — it’s doing the important work of that demystifying the imperative of the liberated woman to “go forth and have great sex.” Intercourse (and everything that leads up to it) is often much more fraught with complications than it’s made out to be in the media. That’s especially true of the S&M power dynamics in a lot of the sex that Adam has — the second-to-last episode of last season memorably had an incident that may have been rape. Therefore, there’s something fairly confounding about turning Girls into a porn, since porn is by definition meant to be sexy, enjoyable, entertaining, arousing, etc. It’s not meant to invite critical thinking or open up a discourse.

According to Calhoun, due to the show’s frequent sexual themes, “they didn’t have to do much” but roll with the original script and extend the intercourse scenes. I find this hard to believe — making all of the sex “sexy” probably changes a lot.

Here is Lena Dunham’s understandably annoyed reaction:

“Hustler Wraps XXX Parody Based on HBO’s ‘Girls'” [Xbiz]
[H/t NYMag]
Image via Getty.