Here's How the Celebrities Are Outdoing Your Christmas

Christmas is a special day for celebrating dead trees and the birth of a small, magical baby. It is also a day for celebrating the cleaning out of one’s bank account, thanks to the relentless cost of the aforementioned dead trees, dead tree-decorating decor, big meals, plane tickets, post-holiday therapy, gifts, more gifts, and more more gifts. And it is a day for complaining about going home to your family, on whom you presumably dumped all that money.

It’s important to thoroughly Instagram your holiday, so everyone knows all that money you dropped and time you spent at the airport, willing yourself to die, was worth it. This goes doubly so for celebrities, who spent even more than you and perhaps still don’t like their families, no matter how much they’re paid to. Here’s how some of our special stars outdid the rest of us this year—or, at least, just what they’re doing—and note that I am extremely bitter and envious, as I am blogging home alone today with naught but a single burrito.

Miley Cyrus

The Cyruses (“Old Town Road” star Billy Ray included) all hung out together looking somber. Billy Ray wore a hat.

Reese Witherspoon

Reese got some nice earrings.

Kelly Ripa

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos took a break from talking about Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos and went skiing. Lest you think they forgot about Christmas, though, here’s their very large fire hazard:

Kylie Jenner

Kylie, who bought Stormi a playhouse bigger than my apartment for Christmas, hung out with friends.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton appears to have transfigured into a bug this holiday season.

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga is being kind to animals, bad to livers.

Cardi B

Cardi B and Offset celebrated Christmas by buying a house, which seems as good a holiday activity as any.

Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez went to the gym, I think.

Britney Spears

Britney Spears got a new dress. It looks nice!

She also got a big tree and many gifts and windows.

Katy Perry

Honestly couldn’t tell you what Katy Perry is doing, but here she is anyway.

Joanna and Chip Gaines

Joanna and Chip Gaines seem to have multiple Christmas trees, which seems dangerous!

That’s all for the celebrities—Merry Christmas to them, and to you, and to my burrito, which I am going to eat now.