Here's Colbert's Hilarious Takedown of the Marines' New Girly Hats

Illustration for article titled Here's Colbert's Hilarious Takedown of the Marines' New Girly Hats

Yesterday, Fox News and The New York Post both reported on a rumor that President Obama had issued an order to change the hats worn by the male members of the Marines to ones that was more "unisex" in appearance. Those serving in the Marines were apparently furious, with one anonymous serviceman (who may or may not actually exist) quoted as saying, "We don't even have enough funding to buy bullets, and the DoD is pushing to spend $8 million on covers that look like women's hats!"


The new covers that supposedly look like women's hats actually just look like this, but misplaced anger and bizarre misogyny aside, there's an even bigger problem here. The story is a lie. The Marines have denied it, posting this to their official Facebook page:

Despite what you may have seen in other headlines, there will be no change to the male uniform cover. Straight from the Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. James F. Amos:

1. The President in no way, shape or form directed the Marine Corps to change our uniform cover.

2. We are looking for a new cover for our female Marines for one overriding reason: the former manufacturer went out of business.

3. The Marine Corps has zero intention of changing the male cover.

See? All this hysteria for nothing. Fox News, this is so unlike you.

Still, those simple things like facts didn't stop Stephen Colbert from issuing his own angry argument against the non-existent uniform changes.

"Mark my words, folks. Next, Obama will have the Army Rangers in berets and'll dress the Navy up in little sailor suits. We're not selling Cracker Jacks here! And you can forget wearing camo! Soon our soldiers will all be wearing Georgia O'Keeffe paintings."

Actually, that sounds beautiful.


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Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

It wouldn't...fucking... matter.

It wouldn't matter if the Marines were wearing fucking propeller hats. It wouldn't matter if they weren't wearing hats at all.

They'd still be Marines. Fuck anyone who would suggest any differently. For all the GOP/FOXparty's blubbering about supporting the troops and blah blah blah, they sure are quick to argue that the goddamn US Marines are easily taken down a notch because of a hat design.

Fucking chicken hawks piss me off to no end. You wanna piss and moan about uniform design? At least try to sign up. Oh, what's that, you're too much of a cowardly bootlicker to put yourself and your own in harm's way?

Thought so, assholes.