My new favorite journalist is “V,” an anonymous advice columnist at the Miami Hurricane, the University of Miami student newspaper, whose latest masterpiece is entitled “Hooking up with the football team.” The column is about precisely that, as V excavates a taxonomy of undergraduates who have consensually boned members of the team, and their experiences doing so.
“It isn’t a secret,” V writes, “that our school’s pride and joy loves nothing more than to tackle tight ends on and off the field.” The sources are anonymous to protect their identities and the amount of utter shade they are throwing around. The football team’s next game is tomorrow, against the Florida International University Panthers, but they may as well pack it in, because these gals have already absolutely destroyed them. Of one player, per a source: “That guy thinks he’s the most philosophical thing to walk the planet just because he asked to see my iPhone’s screen time information.”
Detailing the prevailing home décor of the players (no furniture, “fuckboy lights”) and grooming routines (one “used one of those 3-in-1 soaps. Think about that.”), V’s investigation is both thorough and absolutely brutal, a kind of service journalism for current and future generations of Hurricanes. “While he was leaving,” said one of her sources who did not actually hook up with her date, “he threw his shirt at me and told me that I could tell my friends that we had sex. Like I would want to do that.” Complete and total destruction. I beseech you to read it here.
Some of V’s more recent columns include “Ditching the Vibrator,” “Beware of the Horse Girl,” and “He’s Got the Yum Yum Sauce,” the latter of which is about how to hook up with a hot waiter at Benihana without spending all of one’s money at Benihana. V, you are a genius, if you are reading this please reach out to Jezebel at firstname.lastname@example.org, we desperately want to talk to you (and at the very least, buy you a pizza) because you are doing a very good job!