Earlier this week, with great reluctance and no small amount of personal shame, we shared some of the highlights of a Reddit thread devoted to ladies swapping stories about having carnal relations with famous musicians. The comments of that post quickly became a veritable sex swamp. You people and your friends and relatives have banged some weird and weirdly famous people.
There’s no way we can let these gems disappear. They must be preserved for posterity and possibly for study by scientists or the lady tasked with figuring out why I have so many nightmares. We’ve put together a list of a few of the best stories; guess the musician, then use the slider to see if you’re right. (Once again, we cannot vouch for the accuracy of any of this information, these stories are all mere allegations, and I would recommend you read some of these with a boulder of salt nearby.)
I’ve left out commenter names here to give you all some fig leaf of privacy, since I didn’t know I’d be mining your stories for a follow-up post and I didn’t warn you they might be shared. But I do applaud you all. Sort of. I sort of applaud you.
Please Don’t Remind Me
Back when (wait for it...) [Band] were actually huge with that “this is how you remind me” song, this trainwreck (seriously, she is where that came from) girl that I went to college with scored tickets to see them. She came over to our house at like 10am the next day, still drunk, still coked out and was telling us how she banged the WHOLE band. There were pictures. I wonder if she ever thinks about that and throws up. Because I do. Ew, ew, ew. The only thing that would make it worse is throwing Creed into the mix.
This is probably obvious from the song title, but give it a slide anyway:
That is Nickelback. That is all of Nickelback. That... that poor woman.
Sympathy for the — Wait a Second...
This one is dated, and doesn’t technically involve the musician, but I’ll share. Also, I’m not sure if it is true, but considering my aunts love to tell the story when they’re drunk, and my mother gets all huffy while not explicitly calling it a lie, I believe it. My mom and two of her sisters came to the US (she’s from Ireland) to visit NYC for the summer after my mom graduated from college (or University, I suppose they’d call it there) in 1972. They went to a [Band] concert and were absolutely smashed. As my aunt tells it (try to imagine this in a drunken, now middle-aged thick Irish woman’s accent):
“After the set we was chatting up some security folks. Dimps with har bloody teets feckin’ pulled up almost a’ wavin’ in the wind now and Tess tellin’ yer man we’re ‘sposed to be back thar wit the band, ya know. I think the poor lad let us through because he hadn’t a feckin’ clue what she was blubbering ta heem used to that god awful yank accent he was. (pause for long drink) So we’re stumblin’ through this sweaty mass women...ga Jesus never in me life have I seen sa’many ‘orny buckled ladies. Right w’en we tinks it’s a futile endeavor, here’s Tess whisperin’ that she caught sight of a handsome bloke down the way away from the crowd so off we go!” (pause for long drink) “We catch up with the fellow and bloody hell, Tess screams at your man [Musician!] It’s feckin’ [Musician]!” like a bloody siren and flings herself at him. Feckin shameful self control but at least she took your man around the corner for the nasty business. Claims she made him pop a hat too, so there’s dat for ye” (long pause for a drink where she waits and waits until, despite the fact that everyone has heard the story before and really didn’t want to hear it again anyway, someone asks if mom actually fucked [Musician], followed by a loud obnoxious laugh) “Feck no but she made some roadie’s bloody night, didn’ya Tess? Didn’ even pay the slightest ‘semblence to [Musician], ay Dimps?”
So I guess my question is, anyone here have a dad who was working as part of the crew for [Band] when they were touring in 1972? Did a crazy Irish lady accost him? If so, according to my aunt, at least, our parents probably (hazily) know each other.
Once you’re done sounding all that out:
Oh my God, it’s Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones! (It’s not. It wasn’t. Sounds like a good night though!)
A friend of a friend apparently slept with [Musician], and when he came, he yelled ‘FEEL THE SEED OF [MUSICIAN’S LAST NAME]!’.
Could it possibly be:
I have no idea if Henry Rollins formerly of Black Flag ever shouts his own name when he comes, but I did obviously tweet at him to ask, and just as obviously he didn’t respond. Smart, Rollins.
No Clever Titles, Just Ew
I had a friend in college who gave [Musician] (of [Band]) a hand job, then came home the next morning, still drunk, waving her hand under all of our noses giggling “my hand smells like penis!” Can confirm [Musician]’s peen does in fact smell like peen.
You’re gonna hate this:
Oh god. Why does Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit have to have a penis?
Please Don’t Go, Unless This Happens, Then You Should Go
I used to know a woman (dead now) who claimed she’d lost her virginity to [Musician]. Though it was consensual, she said he howled like an animal the whole time and it was completely traumatizing.
Yeah, I buy this one:
That sounds like Jim Morrison. It just does.
That Was the News?
Towards the end of our third date, this girl I was dating sheepishly said she had something important to tell me. Expecting an STD story, I started sweating. It took her five minutes of “Ughhh... this is so hard to say...” before she finally tells me her mom banged [Musician]. She got pissed and stormed off when I asked if he was her dad. We never spoke again so I have no idea WHY it was so important for me to know.
That’s Huey Lewis from Huey Lewis and the News. That lady’s mom has nothing to be ashamed of, allegedly, and may we add: damn.
(Don’t) Give it Away, Give It Away, Give It Away Now
A friend of a close friend (does that make it more credible? Eh?) used to bone [Musician] when he was in town. The last she heard of him was when he stopped by and she wasn’t home- he left a note with her roommate that said, “Keep that p***y tight while I’m gone.”
That romantic bon mot brought to you by:
You Know You (Don’t) Want It (Because It’s Super Weird)
I know someone who banged [Musician]. Like I got a firsthand account and she’s no liar (plus we live in Hollywood so shit like this isn’t that surprising). It was at a party at his own house, and his wife was asleep in the other room. My friend asked if she was okay with this (because he hadn’t been subtle about his advances all night) and he said she was well aware.
So...there you go. Skeevy.
PS - And yes, she said he had a huuuuge penis and it was pretty decent sex.
You’ll never guess:
Zero fucks left for Robin Thicke. Negative fucks, even. But let’s all take a moment to sincerely congratulate Paula Patton, a lovely-seeming woman who looks like she’s doing great.
There are so, so many more in the comments that I’m too emotionally exhausted to include, but please do take a look. Great work, everyone.
Top image via Columbia Pictures/screencap. Question mark via Shutterstock. All other photos via Getty Images.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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