Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Here Are the Women We Have to Thank For Donald Trump

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Women had absolutely no excuse to vote for noted pussygrabber Donald Trump, and yet 53 percent of white women did just that. Worse still by far, though, were his female surrogates: the women who showed up to support Trump publicly, often for many interminable hours on my television. They placidly defended everything from the sexual abuse allegations against him to his insistence that women who have abortions should be “punished” to his terrible maternity leave plan. They got very offended when other people used the word “pussy.” They insisted that nobody loved women more than Trump, many of them probably knowing full well that was laughable garbage. They are the worst kind of selfish, avaricious traitors and they should feel burning, pulsating shame every day for the rest of their natural lives.

Here they are, ranked in three levels of increasing severity, corresponding to the type of shit they pulled:


Hope Hicks

Not much to say about Hope, since Trump’s campaign press secretary and spokeswoman was rarely seen or heard from. Not quite the point of your job, Hope, and rather frustrating for the reporters who needed you to do it, but besides your material support for an odious enlarged tangerine, I guess you have comparatively little to feel bad about. Yet.


This extremely heated lady named Paula

“Voting is a privilege in this country and you need to be legal, not like California where three million illegals voted,” said Paula on a CNN panel. She saw it on “the media” and “CNN” or something: “It was coming all across the media. All across... If CNN didn’t do it, then they were being smart this time.” Paula was on CNN at the time, talking to a CNN anchor.


Paula also can’t wait “till Mr. Trump builds the wall.”

Ann Coulter

Ann’s brand of trolling has gotten so boring and predictable we can’t rouse ourselves to find or post a photo of her, or resume caring about her gaunt and frenzied existence. But she did reach something approaching her old level of bile when she defended Trump for mocking a disabled reporter, arguing that he was merely imitating “a standard retard.”


Scottie Nell Hughes

Hughes is technically the political editor of something called RightAlerts, but mostly she is the nuttiest cable news guest you’ve ever seen, yelling at Ana Navarro not to use the word “pussy” and getting rightfully verbally obliterated for it.

It happened again, because Navarro is delightfully incapable of hiding her contempt for Hughes and all the sad mess of her ideas:

Besides serving as a fun clay pigeon for Navarro’s verbal assaults, the only good thing Hughes has done recently is cause this hilarious moment of trauma-bonding between Sally Kohn and Michaela Angela Davis. There’s also this, a delightful impression from Cecily Strong.


First she became Trump’s director of African American Outreach, which sounds like a bad joke, and now she’s on his transition team. While it’s certainly impressive that this reality TV contestant keeps managing to strategically insert herself into the news, she did make a truly chilling statement about Trump that suggests that she’s a true believer to a disturbing degree:

“Donald Trump is running for president because he really, truly believes he can turn the country around. More importantly, every critic, every detractor will have to bow down to President Trump.”


Back in November, Omarosa also merrily shared that the Trump campaign is “keeping a list” of its enemies. How jolly!


Katrina Pierson

Another Trump spokeswoman and a longtime Tea Party activist in North Texas, our girl Katrina might rank higher on the list if she’d been better at her job. Her arguments were reliably verbally acrobatic and almost transcendentally dumb, but they weren’t quite distracting enough to really do the job. Take the day when, confronted with allegations that Trump groped a woman on a plane, she began hurriedly listing types of airplanes before segueing into this gorgeous, truly novel aviation defense:


It was extremely funny, but, as ever, it prompted us to ask one simple question: Katrina, girl, what the hell are you talking about?


Ivanka Trump

She attempted to defend his terrible maternity leave policy, and got mad at Cosmo when they asked her about it. She pretended like allegations of misogyny against Trump were a “false narrative” when she is almost certainly smart enough to know better. She served as one of his soothing, humanizing, civilized faces and now she and husband Jared Kushner are reportedly trying to set up shop in the White House and set about making the plutocratic aristocracy of their dreams. Ivanka stands to gain immeasurable wealth, power and influence from her dad’s new job, and we will remind you once again never to take your eyes off her.


Kellyanne Conway 

Katrina Pierson 2.0 was a much smoother model, more adept at verbal backflipping, better at baldly lying that the president hadn’t said or done things that we’d plainly see him say and do, and possessed, somehow, of even less personal shame. Her chilly smile, her ability to shred commonly understood English words and phrases when it doesn’t behoove her to understand them, her placid insistence that Trump’s insane, inflammatory tweets don’t matter: it’s all very impressive. It’s also wonderful how quickly she shifted gears once her guy got into office and started warning people like Harry Reid to be “very careful” about criticizing the president, warmly broadcasting her hopes for an imminent oligarchy in which she can be the sellout and normalizer in chief.


What circle of Hell is reserved for really talented PR people? Just wondering.