Here Are the Most Common Baby Names of 2014 (And Their Fates)

It’s December, which means it’s time for a flood of looks back at the year that was. Today’s edition: the most popular baby names of 2014. Among girls, Sophia takes the top spot; for boys, it’s Jackson. Let’s do a little scrying, shall we?

These names come from BabyCenter and their recent survey of 500,000 new parents, via U.S. News. Not exactly the Social Security Administration, but it’ll do in a pinch. But what does the future hold for these wee little ones? We decided to do some forecasting for the babies of 2014, by predicting what the best-known person with each of the top ten most popular names will be doing in 2044. Take my arm and let us stroll into the future:

Jackson: The bright, shining future of the Republican Party.

Aiden: Wunderkind novelist. His fellow writers breathe a giant sigh of relief that they don’t have to see his dumb face on 30 under 30 lists anymore.

Caden: Mission to Mars, baby.

Liam: Billionaire financier. Owes it all to the chip on his shoulder due to his mother’s naming him after a One Direction member.

Jacob: Olympic gold medalist many times over. Owes it all to the chip on his shoulder due to his mother’s naming him after a Twilight character.

Lucas, Mason, Ethan and Logan: Christian boy band.

Noah: Prepper/wild-eyed conspiracy theorist/borderline cult leader with a massive Internet following. Building an ark, because there’s a symmetry to fate and time is a flat circle and CAN’T YOU SEE THE FUCKING PATTERNS, MAN? His parents wish they’d named him Solomon, or maybe Elvis.

And the ladies…

Sophia: Up-and-coming lifestyle mogul, heir to the crown of Martha Stewart. Gunning for Gwyneth Paltrow’s entire fucking life.

Emma and Emily: Since everybody keeps confusing them anyway, they band together to launch a mysterious biotech firm just named “EM.” No one is quite sure what they’re working on, but it’s said to be both ground-breaking and nefarious.

Olivia: Victoria’s Secret model with an affected British accent.

Ava: The president’s much younger (second) wife.

Isabella: Hawkish celebrity professor and popular nonfiction author (having taken a great childhood interest in life of Isabella of Castile). Has been known to advocate bombing the moon after a couple of martinis.

Mia: Internet pop star. Thinks YouTube is for olds; doesn’t even know what Vine and Tumblr were.

Zoe: Zillionaire tech entrepreneur. In the process of founding Stanford 2.0 on an island in the middle of the Pacific but, twist, it’s a women’s college. Leading misandrist.

Lily: Our records suggest that the best-known Lily of 2034 will be a Weather Channel anchor. Unfortunately, the Weather Channel will have long-since frittered away its credibility and badass storm-coverage bona fides with scare-mongering website headlines. Sorry, Lily.

Madelyn: Designer of extremely high-end denim, which is a rough business, because everyone’s wearing futuristic crinkly metallic space-pants.