Here Are the Most Common Baby Names of 2014 (And Their Fates)

Illustration for article titled Here Are the Most Common Baby Names of 2014 (And Their Fates)

It's December, which means it's time for a flood of looks back at the year that was. Today's edition: the most popular baby names of 2014. Among girls, Sophia takes the top spot; for boys, it's Jackson. Let's do a little scrying, shall we?

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These names come from BabyCenter and their recent survey of 500,000 new parents, via U.S. News. Not exactly the Social Security Administration, but it'll do in a pinch. But what does the future hold for these wee little ones? We decided to do some forecasting for the babies of 2014, by predicting what the best-known person with each of the top ten most popular names will be doing in 2044. Take my arm and let us stroll into the future:

Jackson: The bright, shining future of the Republican Party.

Aiden: Wunderkind novelist. His fellow writers breathe a giant sigh of relief that they don't have to see his dumb face on 30 under 30 lists anymore.

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Caden: Mission to Mars, baby.

Liam: Billionaire financier. Owes it all to the chip on his shoulder due to his mother's naming him after a One Direction member.

Jacob: Olympic gold medalist many times over. Owes it all to the chip on his shoulder due to his mother's naming him after a Twilight character.

Lucas, Mason, Ethan and Logan: Christian boy band.

Noah: Prepper/wild-eyed conspiracy theorist/borderline cult leader with a massive Internet following. Building an ark, because there's a symmetry to fate and time is a flat circle and CAN'T YOU SEE THE FUCKING PATTERNS, MAN? His parents wish they'd named him Solomon, or maybe Elvis.

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And the ladies...

Sophia: Up-and-coming lifestyle mogul, heir to the crown of Martha Stewart. Gunning for Gwyneth Paltrow's entire fucking life.

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Emma and Emily: Since everybody keeps confusing them anyway, they band together to launch a mysterious biotech firm just named "EM." No one is quite sure what they're working on, but it's said to be both ground-breaking and nefarious.

Olivia: Victoria's Secret model with an affected British accent.

Ava: The president's much younger (second) wife.

Isabella: Hawkish celebrity professor and popular nonfiction author (having taken a great childhood interest in life of Isabella of Castile). Has been known to advocate bombing the moon after a couple of martinis.

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Mia: Internet pop star. Thinks YouTube is for olds; doesn't even know what Vine and Tumblr were.

Zoe: Zillionaire tech entrepreneur. In the process of founding Stanford 2.0 on an island in the middle of the Pacific but, twist, it's a women's college. Leading misandrist.

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Lily: Our records suggest that the best-known Lily of 2034 will be a Weather Channel anchor. Unfortunately, the Weather Channel will have long-since frittered away its credibility and badass storm-coverage bona fides with scare-mongering website headlines. Sorry, Lily.

Madelyn: Designer of extremely high-end denim, which is a rough business, because everyone's wearing futuristic crinkly metallic space-pants.

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Image via bikeriderlondon/Shutterstock.

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DISCUSSION

afarcetobereckonedwith
A Farce to Be Reckoned With

Every time the name Emma comes up, I have to tell this anecdote.

The wives of two of the mister's friends had a huge falling out - well before either was knocked up - over who "got" the name Emma. The one who spawned first "stole" the name, and the two haven't been on speaking terms since. (Largely the doing of the later-reproducer.)

I've watched the entire saga unfold from my child-free corner whilst drinking all the alcohol at the parties where all are present. It's amazing and horrifying and so, so entertaining.