In today’s iteration of “Billionaires Doing Dumb Shit,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg wants to change the name of its company, presumably in an effort to make people forget that the social network is a doomsday machine that’s completely destroying society.
In a report published this week in The Verge, the company is planning on changing its name next week “to reflect its focus on building the metaverse, according to a source with direct knowledge of the matter.” Our heavily-sunscreened surfer boy Zuck apparently has plans to roll out the name at the company’s annual Connect conference on October 28th, and it’s likely a move meant to separate Facebook the app from other products the company owns, like Instagram, WhatsApp, Oculus, etc.
The name change is most obviously meant to be a red herring amid an onslaught of bad press about Facebook. This week, the company hilariously and dramatically warned the public that there are more than thirty journalists prepared to report on its “leaked” documents, and the New York Times reported that the attorney general for the District of Columbia plans to add Zuckerberg to a consumer protection lawsuit “in one of the first efforts by a regulator to expose him personally to potential financial and other penalties.”
To head off the almost guaranteed-to-be-bad new name, we’ve come up with a few suggestions of our own for Facebook that add a little *spice*:
Literally the only reason many of us use the site anymore is to be reminded of people’s birthdays after we lose touch with them and to get that dopamine rush of annual attention as we sift through a sea of half-assed “HBD!” messages on our own birthdays, so maybe the site should just lean in to that.
This is less of a suggestion and more of what we imagine they’ll ultimately land because brands loooooove to remove vowels from words to try and look fancy. Example: We live in an exceedingly dumb era of time where you can buy an $18 bottle of “Original Alkaline Water” with fulvic trace minerals (whatever the fuck those are) called “blk,” which apparently refers to the black color of the bottle; or you can reach for a bottle of pH balanced LIFEWTR and “restore your body with a daily dose of inspiration.” Again, it’s literally just water.
Because being on Facebook is basically the opposite of reading a book!
The company is already acting like a tobacco company, scheming to make its product more addictive and marketing it to teens and kids despite proven impacts on their health. Maybe Facebook should just drop the act and merge with Malboro.
This feels like an accurate description of what the company’s reputation is doing.
**Editors’ note: Jenna thinks “assnovel” is pretty dumb, but Laura nearly fell off her desk chair cackling at the suggestion (it’s unclear if she’s had too much coffee or not enough), so we’re including it.
There are infinitely more fulfilling and productive and useful things one could be doing than scrolling through Facebook, including just staring at a wall, and yet this thing keeps robbing people’s time and melting their brains.
Please just delete the whole site, Zuck. It’s okay. Just leave us Whatsapp so we can communicate with our international friends and throw Facebook in the garbage.