Here Are Some Made Up TV Shows We Wish Were Premiering in 2013

Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Made Up TV Shows We Wish Were Premiering in 2013

There are some fundamental truths when it comes to the landscape of television in 2013: there will be more Game of Thrones, Downton Abbey, Community (for now), Mad Men and, yes, they will all (probably) be great. But what about the breakaway hits? Listed below are some promising 2013 pilots that no one saw coming, mainly because I just made them up*.



In early 1980s Los Angeles, ancient old lady/legendary singer Irma Watts (played by musician-turned-actress Toni Braxton, age 45) finds herself feeling threatened when Teeny Mongomery (Jordin Sparks), a prodigal young songstress, is signed to the legendary Motown label. The two women, with their big talent, big egos and even bigger eighties hair, clash in an epic battle of who will top the charts. Sure, Irma has the greater career, but does she have the greater talent? Airs Tuesdays 9/8c on NBC.

Would we watch this if it were real?
Yes. Absolutely. Forever.

Ryan Murphy Asked for a Show So We Gave Him One

From the made-up press release:

Hello! We were one of the few networks left that hadn't given Ryan Murphy a show and that felt weird so we gave him one! Cool, huh? No telling what he'll do, but we can guarantee that you'll really love it for the first couple of seasons and then it will go completely fucking off the rails. In fact, we've worked it into his contract that, following the mid season finale of season two, he is allowed no fewer than 14 plot lines at a time. Still, you'll keep watching because, in spite of its sloppiness and confusing misogyny, he'll have casted your favorite 50-70-year-old under-appreciated actress as a smart, badass bitch and she will kill the role dead.

Tune in for this scary/funny/sad/sappy/offensive/holier than thou/somehow still good shit show on Fridays 10/9c on ABC, starting in March.

Would we watch this if it were real?
Yes, but we wouldn't tell our friends about it.

Impossibly Stupid Men and Some Random-Ass Kid (CBS, Monday-Friday)

What happens when you give a bunch of incompetent, horny, lobotomized dudes a baby to take care of? Who gives a shit? You idiots will watch no matter what.


Would we watch this if it were real?
Of course not. The only people who watch these kind of shows are your dental hygienist and your conservative relatives.

Shepard of the Flock (HBO, Sundays at 10)

Daniel Stern plays Jeff Shepard, a highly successful hedge fund manager who loses everything due to the faltering economy and a series of morally questionable missteps. A broken man, he must now reimagine his career and entire life alongside his new idealistic business partners (Recognizable Broadway Actor A and Recognizable Broadway Actor B), the secretary they throw food at (Kate Mara in glasses), and the beautiful upstairs neighbor who he's fucking though not "in a relationship" with (Rachel Bilson). Elsewhere, his estranged son (Josh Peck) struggles to launch his own formal denim line.


Would we watch this if it were real?
We'd tune in for about half the season then give up after realizing that we had fallen asleep during every single episode and now have no idea what's happening.

Baby Harem

Mothers attempt to marry their child daughters off to a powerful, distant king by putting them through a series of contests that include swimwear, talent and glitz. Sure, the competition is about the girls, but it's the nightmare moms that you'll be tuning in for! (Wednesdays on TLC)


Would we watch this if it were real?
We're better than that. (We are not better than that.)

*Thank you for your interest. Network bosses can contact me through my Jezebel email address.


Violet Baudelaire

You know what I really want on TV? A show where 40 something women compete in cheerleading competitions/beauty pageants/dance offs, so they no longer have to vicariously live through their daughters and push them to do it. It's kind of like Real Housewives meets Toddlers & Tiaras, Dance Moms, and Cheer Perfection.

I claim I want this so the moms let their daughters have a chance at growing up without a whole host of issues, but really, honestly, it's just because I'd watch the hell out of those women competing with each other and being all dramatic.