Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Here Are Some Great Ideas For Your Golden Globes Party Menu

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Are you’re having people over to watch the most entertaining of all awards shows this weekend? If so, surprise them by preparing an assortment of dishes that would easily win the Golden Globe for Best Party Food (Themed), if such an award existed. Though, who am I kidding, La La Land would probably take that one home, too.

Happy awards season, everyone!

Hacksaw Ridge

Coleslaw, Fridged

No part of me is craving to see Mel Gibson’s “comeback” movie about Desmond T. Doss, but all of me is craving the simultaneously sweet and tangy delight of a nice, cold coleslaw. Here’s a great recipe for classic coleslaw (best served after being refrigerated) from my favorite celebrity chef who was humiliated via airplane banner: Bobby Flay.


Hell or High Water

Shell or Fried Totter

To celebrate this immensely satisfying west Texas thriller, I suggest one of the most satisfying of all seafood dishes: moule frites. For the mussels I suggest using a traditional recipe from Ina Garten, but feel free to go hog wild on the totters (I know totters isn’t a word anyone uses for “fries,” but please chill) by checking out Guy Fieri’s “double-fried french fries.”




Who doesn’t love pie? Make literally any kind you like, but be sure to use Google (a major character in Lion) to find the recipe.


NOTE: When asking a guest if they’d like a slice, hold the pie up to them and ask, complete with head tilt, “Pie-in’?”

Manchester by the Sea

Man, Chester! Fry the Seafood!

This is both a dish and an opportunity for role-playing. Allow me to set the scene: you’re a man named Chester who has just suffered the loss of a loved one. You’re very sad about the death of your friend or relative, but don’t feel like expressing it because men don’t cry and confronting the realities of your emotions is a skill you haven’t yet mastered in your 40 years of life on this planet. You decide to throw a Golden Globes party to take your mind off the pain, and tell guests you will be frying seafood as the main course. (You will also tell them to refer to you as Chester.) Unfortunately your grief will cause you to forget your responsibilities, and two hours into the awards ceremony your guests will start wondering why you, Chester, have not begun frying the seafood. One will finally scream, “Man, Chester! Fry the seafood!” This will cause you to erupt, and you will sob in front of all your friends, throw remote controls, and break glasses for several minutes before composing yourself and saying, “I’m sorry.” Then you will fry the seafood.




Make two kinds—sweet and savory—but be sure to pan-fry them longer than the recipes ask you to, as they will each require hard exteriors to work thematically.



“Chiron” Cheddar, Three Ages 

Moonlight follows the life of its main character, Chiron, through three formative periods of his life—childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. For this delicious appetizer, head to your favorite cheese shop and ask for thee rounds of cheddar, each of a different age, and display them as three moons on a board of either wood, marble, or slate.


20th Century Women

20th Century Lemonade

You’re going to need a themed beverage, and what’s more refreshing than lemonade? Serve it plain (call it the “Lucas Jade Zumann”), or spiked with a little Tito’s vodka (call that one the “Annette Bening”).




Celebrate this surprise R-rated hit with an entree that’s as hot, spicy (and red!) as its main character. For the soup, choose a spicy tomato soup that would make Deadpool say something snarky and vulgar that begins with something like, “Last time I had a bowl of red this good...” (I don’t want to finish that sentence because A) gross, and B) I haven’t actually seen Deadpool.) For the breadbowl, go with a nice sourdough.


NOTE: Be sure to pronounce “breadbowl” with a bad French accent so that it sounds more like “bool.” You’ve gotta make sure your guests get the joke.

Florence Foster Jenkins

Florence Bananas Foster Jenkins

What? This was nominated for best picture? Whatever. Do this.

La La Land

Farfalle Land

I may not have been a big fan of the year’s frontrunner for Best Picture, Musical or Comedy, but I am a big fan of the pasta that sort of sounds like the first to words in its name if you pronounce it with a thick Italian accent! Farfalle is a hearty pasta whose twists provide both ample surface area and compact spaces for sauces to be trapped and delivered to your mouth. I recommend serving it with this excellent red sauce made famous by Rich Torrisi and Mario Carbone.


Sing Street

Stringed Meats


Nocturnal Animals

“Nocturnal Animals”

For this simple recipe, set a paper plate in the corner of your bathroom and empty your bowels atop it. Warn your guests to “watch out for Nocturnal Animals” when entering the bathroom.