Help! Nicolas Cage Stole My Look

By Bobby Finger  |  May 23, 2018 | 1:20pm
CelebritiesDirt Bag

Actor Nicolas Cage was spotted in Los Angeles with girlfriend Erika Koike (whom The Daily Mail describes as a woman “thought to be a make-up artist”) wearing four items of clothing he appears to have stolen out of my closet while I wasn’t looking.

There are the black slacks I bought on sale assuming they were slim-fit only to discover they were comically loose-fitting, nonrefundable, and (for me, at least) unwearable. The buckle loafers I bought two hours before an out-of-town wedding from the one shoe store that was open nearby after realizing I forgot to pack a pair of black shoes. The black button-down I bought on sale years ago because under the assumption that I’d one day need to wear a black button-down (such a day never came up). And then there’s the blazer that showed up to my door two days after a rude guest screamed, “ALEXA, BUY BOBBY THE MOST HILARIOUS PIECE OF OUTERWEAR FOR SALE ON AMAZON,” during a recent houseparty.

I’m more than a little annoyed by the home invasion, but am sort of thrilled to finally be unburdened by these pieces. It’s nice to know they’re not being wasted!

[Just Jared]

One of the stars of the upcoming Ocean’s 8 Sarah Paulson was profiled in Boston Common, a magazine about Boston commoners, and I would like to share the two greatest moments.

On where you might find her in the Whole Foods:

If you ran into Sarah Paulson at Whole Foods near the scallions or at Starbucks topping off your soy latte, you likely wouldn’t recognize her straightaway…

On the haters who dump on her relationship with Holland Taylor:

In 2015, it was revealed that Paulson was dating 75-year-old actress Holland Taylor, titillating gossip sites everywhere. Paulson, of course, was entirely unfazed. “If someone wants to spend any time thinking I’m strange for loving the most spectacular person on the planet, then that’s their problem,” she says. “I’m doing just fine.”

Yas mama, slay those haters from your pulpit at Boston Common!

[Boston Common]

Oh, does she?

[Celebitchy]