Help: My Boyfriend's Best Friend Sent Him Dick Pix.

I’m disabled, poor,
and struggling to make a better life for myself. I don’t have a lot of
friends because I don’t know many people in my area. Enter my former neighbor
and good friend, an older, retired professional, light-skinned black man.
He tried to “fix my flaws,” at first in subtle ways, then in more
obvious ways. He told me how physically unattractive I was, how my voice
was annoying, and how I didn’t fit the American standard. I tolerated
this for quite awhile. The worst of it was when he publicly humiliated me on
the bus, stating that while he pointed to all the younger looking, thinner,
prettier, lighter skinned black women out (who all happened to have straight
hair) and said, “Let’s face facts: You are not pretty enough to be in the
front office. You need to lose weight and lose that voice. You also need a job
where it’s not face to face, so you need to find one where no one can see
you.” I want to start my own business, but he told me black people can’t
run a successful business without a white partner. I felt so depressed since
then, I can’t even look in the mirror. I feel like giving up and I know
that he’ll win if I do, but I don’t have anyone to help me get past this. Do
you have any ideas?

This jackass is not and never has been your friend. This
fellow is an asshole and an abuser who manipulated you into feeling bad about
yourself. Typically, he did it under the guise of being helpful. You say he
started out being subtle – I think he was feeling you out, seeing how far he
could go. Sometimes abusers start small and then go big (like that incident on
the bus). You say you tolerated it for “quite awhile” and this makes
me wonder if there have been other people in your life who’ve treated you
poorly, making you feel as if this were normal and acceptable. Consider whether
other folks have said such negative things to you. Remember, abuse isn’t just
physical, and it doesn’t just come from an intimate partner or relative.

I urge you to seek counseling to help you with depression
and self-esteem. Because of your income, you may qualify for no-cost or
low-cost counseling through your local public health center. If not, many
therapists offer assistance on a sliding-scale basis. Get to Googling, look in
the Yellow Pages, or call a local church or community center for a reference. And
if you ever feel suicidal or just plain hopeless, call The National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Now, I feel equipped to talk about suicide prevention and
depression. I speak at colleges about this topic with relative frequency. But I
don’t have personal experience with the type of poisonous racism you describe
in such vivid detail. Sometimes I
call on friends (or friends of friends) for help with a particularly thorny Friendzone
problem, and your multilayered issue fits the bill. To that end, I contacted Dacia Mitchell, Managing Editor
of This Week in Blackness and
co-host of TWiB!Radio, to get her insight.

“The first thing I would want to tell this young woman
is that she’s not alone and that racial trauma is VERY REAL,” Dacia wrote
in an email. “As black women, we already survive the constant din of
racial denigration from multiple media sources, friends, family, you know,
AMERICA! and to have that denigration confirmed by a trusted ‘friend’ is a
horrific trauma that we all bear…Her friend denigrated her under the guise of
‘racial solidarity.’ That is, he advised her how to look and ‘how it is’ for
her own good. And on the flip side, this young lady may not have immediate
access to a community where she can express outrage. This woman does not need
to hear, ‘You’re beautiful just the way you are, tell that so-and-so ‘I’m
fucking fierce!’ and strut away.’ That’s another form of ‘solidarity as
oppression.’ That tells this young women that you have to behave with a certain
aggressiveness in order to survive and be considered worth saving, further
exacerbating her psychological distress. ”

Dacia added, “I want to shout to the rooftops that this woman is not
alone. That she is heard. That she doesn’t need to fit a manufactured standard
to be a worthwhile person. That she is loved because of, not despite, who she
is.”

And my friend Twanna
A. Hines, M.S. of Funky Brown
Chick had a minute in her busy writing schedule to weigh in here.

“If you’re a strong black woman, or a strong black man,
there’s this idea that somehow you’re just supposed to figure everything out on
your own or turn to your family and friends for advice and support,” Twanna
wrote. “It’s not true. First, not everyone has functional family members
or friends in their lives who are equipped to offer sound, supportive
assistance. Second, seeking counseling is not a sign of weakness or
dysfunction. In fact, it’s the other way around. Not seeking assistance when you
need it is a form of self harm.”

I have limited space here, or I’d include a thousand more
voices. I’d also address sexism, ableism, and all the other “isms”
going on here. Thankfully, Dacia had some great suggestions for resources you
might like, including Gradient Lair, Are Women Human?, The Crunk Feminist Collective,
and Black Feminist
Manifesto. I’ll add Our Bodies
Ourselves.

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s going to help others.

And now I’m going to throw this to the commenters and ask
them to provide their own perspectives.