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It’s not every day that I, a woman whose entire wardrobe is sponsored by the sweatpants crafters of America, get tapped to help with anything fashion-related. But finally, my moment came when Julianne, who usually writes Fashion Scavenger Hunt, asked me to turn the tables and climb the Mount Everest of fashion tasks: Help her find a cute bathing suit that vibed with a pandemic bod that hasn’t been outdoors in three months.
Finding a good bathing suit has about the same criteria as finding a sex partner. It needs to make your netherregions feel good or at the very least secure, and it needs to accentuate your body, not make you feel bad about gaining a few extra pounds because of a global pandemic. It should also be a law that bathing suit bottoms fully cover the butt cheeks because thongs are a work of the devil and deserve to be cast out from society; I don’t care what anyone else says.
But then Julianne hit me with even more criteria: “I love bold prints and I don’t really love high-cut thigh shit.” No high-cut thigh shit means about 80 percent of all bathing suits are out of the question.
The first option I presented from Amazon wasn’t the boldest pattern on earth, but I thought the coral color was cute and the stripes on the bottom felt like a nod to. It was also on sale and I am a sucker for anything that doesn’t cost a lot of money. This one wasn’t a winner so Julianne made some concessions: A bikini would be acceptable as long as it covered her pansa, which is Spanglish for the lower part of the stomach.
With renewed vigor, I expanded the search, finding another cute bikini that was high-waisted, but not vibrant enough.
Eventually, I made my way to Shein, a site known for its extremely low prices and questionably long delivery times. I didn’t find anything Julianne would like but I did find something that confounded me and felt that I had to send it to her regardless because someone needed to see it.
The response was expected.
Sadly there was no model sporting the suit and I couldn’t figure out a way to explain how one would actually wear it.
RIP to the boob thong. For some reason, which I’m sure I’ll figure out with a few more therapy sessions, I kept sending Julianne who, again, is my boss, swimsuits with a ton of exposed cleavage. As a charter member of the itty bitty titty committee, I really have no concept of needing a certain amount of support when it comes to swimwear. I hear that it’s important and I read about suits with different levels of support, but trying to imagine what is supportive enough for someone who actually has a chest is like trying to imagine a color that doesn’t exist. Free the tetas.
Julianne politely declined all of my super cleavage options and I moved onto a vibrant teal floral bikini from Adore Me that is sold in varying degrees of boob support. I was getting closer to the mark.
I thought I’d hit the jackpot when I came across a bright floral off-the-shoulder number from Aerie, but the reaction still wasn’t big enough. But then the bikini gods finally heard my prayers.
Bold pattern? Check. Covered the pansa? Check. Less than $100? Check!
Julianne can now never deny that there was one time in our history that I did good. Although, considering the fact that a global pandemic is still afoot and public swimming spaces in New York were disgusting to begin with, the only place these suits are going to be seen is the bathtub or inflatable kiddie pool. Good thing dressing cute at home is now considered self-care!