Queen Elizabeth spent much of her life protecting her favorite son (reportedly) and sexual abuser (allegedly), Prince Andrew. In death, the police have taken over for her.
During the queen’s funeral procession through Edinburgh on Monday, admirers and hecklers alike gathered to bid the monarch farewell. As Prince Andrew, along with his three siblings, walked behind their mother’s casket, somebody from the crowd shouted at him, “Andrew, you’re a sick old man!” The shouter was then quickly removed by police, according to the Evening Standard. Police also arrested a woman holding a sign reading “FUCK IMPERIALISM - ABOLISH MONARCHY” and removed a person holding the sign “NOT MY KING” during the proceedings.
The protestors were charged under “breach of the peace,” a form of disorderly conduct that, in Scotland, can come with a fine of up to £5,000 or as many as 12 months in prison.
The British are ones for manners. So, on one hand, sure, it isn’t very polite to heckle a man whose mum just died. On the other, neither is raping a 17-year-old (allegedly). Nor is living off the dime of a family that metaphorically raped millions of people under colonial rule, I suppose. But, according to the Scottish police, these protestors displayed extra bad manners. Tsk tsk.
British citizens have vague free speech protections that “may be subject to formalities, conditions, restrictions, or penalties as are prescribed by law and are necessary in a democratic society.” Basically, if you start badmouthing the queen’s son while he’s doubly bummed about losing his mother and not being able to wear his fancy military uniform because he flew too many times on Jeffrey Epstein’s jet, you’re spending the night in the can. Another protester, Paul Powlesland, tweeted that a police officer threatened to arrest him if he wrote “Not my king” on a piece of blank paper he was holding because “someone might be offended.” Apparently even the threat of critical speech is an offense.
Also, just a reminder to all of the Americans grieving Queen Lizzie’s death as vigorously as her corgis would greet a leg: The positive right to free speech was a core reason our country fought for independence from the Brits.
The U.S. doesn’t have a lot of bragging rights these days (see: inflation, alt-right uprisings, near constant threat of mass shootings), but we are able to talk shit about our leaders, dead or alive. So as an American not threatened by the Scottish police and protected by our Constitution, I’ll take it upon myself to remind you what Prince Andrew did and how the palace has been steadfast in protecting his reputation:
- His nasty ass was accused by Virginie Guiffre of sexual assault when she was 17 years old.
- To not draw attention away from his mother’s Platinum Jubilee celebration, he avoided trial by paying Guiffre an undisclosed (but definitely large) sum of money and donating funds to support sexual abuse victims.
- Part of the settled lawsuit states that he mustn’t publicly deny raping Guiffre—which he loved doing.
- The man is so thick that he once told an interviewer, as a way to prove he did not assault Guiffre, that he had a medical condition that doesn’t allow him to sweat.
- The prince was linked romantically to convicted child sex offender Ghislane Maxwell.
- He looks like a naked mole rat with a little toupee.
To add insult to injustice, the queen left Andrew and his ex-wife in charge of her corgis, the one decent branch of the monarchy. If you’re worried about the corgis being split up between the couple, don’t. It seems Prince Andrew and Sarah, Duchess of York, still live together on a Windsor estate. All I can truly hope is that the pups, Muick and Sandy, use the superpowers bestowed upon all dogs to sniff out the evil they live amongst and chew up its loafers, as the U.K. government and royal family show no signs of pursuing any sort of punishment themselves. For the record, Andrew, you’re a sick old man!