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Have You Heard Michael Jackson's Unreleased Abortion Jingle?

The 25th anniversary edition of Michael Jackson's Bad "dropped" this week (because you are elderly now), and—BONUS!!!—it includes some previously unreleased mega-MJ-jams! Because there's nothing I'm more interested in than some garbage that the dude who made "Wazupwitu" chose to throw away 25 years ago. Like, I don't even listen to all of the tracks on REGULAR Bad ("Speeeed demoooooon! CHOO!"), and I like Bad. The thing that's so great about Bad is that it walks this amazing line of being almost-terrible—so I really don't need to hear the stuff that crossed the line. EXCEPT OOPS IT TURNS OUT I DO.


One of the unreleased tracks is do I put this...

"Song Groove...



...(a.k.a. Abortion Papers)."


Flat-mouth emoticon 4 life.

Okay, but maybe it's not what it sounds like, right? Maybe it's not a catchy pop tune with a rousing chorus of "aboooortion paypahz!" over and over again and then a borderline-not-English bridge of Christian moralizing?

Sister don't read, she'll never know
What about love?
Living a Christian soul
What do we get, she runs away
What about love?
What about all I pray

Don't know the worst, she knows a atheist
What about God?
Living is all I see
What do you get, things she would say
What about love?
That's all I pray

Those abortion papers
Signed in your name against the words of God
Those abortion papers
Think about life, I'd like to have my child

Sister confused, she went alone
What about love?
What about all I saw?
Biding a life, reading the words
Singing a song, citing a Bible verse

Father's confused, mother despair
Brother's in curse
What about all I've seen?
You know the lie, you keep it low
What about heart?
That's all I've known

Those abortion papers
(Hee-Hee Hee Hee-Hee)
(Hee Hee-Hee Hee Hee-Hee)
Those abortion papers (Hee-Hee Hee Hee-Hee)
I'd like to have my child (Hee-Hee Hee Hee-Hee)
Those abortion papers (Hee-Hee Hee Hee-Hee)
(Hee-Hee Hee-Hee).



1. First of all, the one-two punch of the profoundly vague "Song Groove" with the incendiary "(a.k.a. Abortion Papers)" is the most hilarious juxtaposition since Sir Paul McCartney's classic "Music Dance (a.k.a. The Negro Problem)."

2. Second of all, who the fuck produced this? Quincy Jorns? The producer you find when you walk like this?

3. Is anyone else in the mood for a free credit report now?

4. AND THEN ANYWAY, WHAT IS AN "ABORTION PAYPAHZ????" Does he think "abortion papers" are like "adoption papers"? Does he mean, like, a medical release form? Is this a protest song about the bureaucracy of the American health care system? Is it a song about that paper mat they make you sit on at the doctor so you don't get your vagina on the gurney? And furthermore, I'm not anti-gagortion myself, but even if I were, is the PAPERWORK really the most objectionable part here!?!? Like, it's not so bad! They give you a clipboard and everything!


5. Hee-Hee Hee Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee. Hee.



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Other song titles with hilarious juxtaposition:

Aretha Franklin's "Love Song" (aka Job-Stealing Wetbacks)

Neil Diamond's "Dancing" (aka Gays Ruin Everything)

Rush Limbaugh's "Take a Pill" (aka Feminazi's Shrunk My Wiener, aka Hold Me Closer Tiny Penis)