Today is the tenth anniversary of what I can somewhat objectively say is the worst American movie ever made: Elizabethtown. If that seems overambitious, I can at least confidently say that Elizabethtown the worst movie I ever paid the full price of admission to see.
I was reminded of this utter waste of my time by the film’s writer and director, Cameron Crowe, who, for some reason, wants to remind us that had anything to do with a film that includes the line, “I’m going to miss your lips. And everything attached to them.”
Oh, you wanna hear my thoughts, Cameron? My thoughts are that I was DUPED. DUPED, YA HEARD?
Elizabethtown stars Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom. By 2005, Dunst had already starred in the untouchable classic Bring It On, the confusing but still satisfying Crazy/Beautiful and, of course, played Mary Jane in the only necessary Spider-Man films ever made. Orlando Bloom was wildly famous: he was coming off of the first Pirates of the Caribbean and the Lord of the Rings installments, for god’s sake.
In addition to Dunst and Bloom, Elizabethtown also features Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon, and Jessica Biel. Tom motherfucking Cruise is inexplicably credited as a producer. All those people thought this was a good idea. I mean, just look at that list of people who were presumably not suffering from traumatic brain injuries when they willingly attached their names to this project.
What were they thinking?
In the film, Orlando Bloom plays Drew Baylor, a shoe designer who has just designed what is supposed to the most amazing shoe in the history of shoes. Still, you totally knew was doomed when he said, “A shoe is not just a shoe. It connects us to the earth.”
And then you saw that it was the most fugtrocious shoe imaginable.
Apparently the shoe of the future is an old pair of Reeboks with a piece of leather wrapped around it.
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