Very little entertainment is free anymore. So with inflation raising the price of streaming services, my preferred way of getting my jollies is YouTube—where Gwyneth “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin” Paltrow recently appeared to make some of her patented, poorly-timed and slightly bizarre jokes.
The Oscar-winning actress took a break from her Goop grifts to visit Hailey Bieber’s YouTube talk series, “Who’s In My Bathroom?” which saw the actress and model-cum-skincare founder gabbing—and later making mint chocolate chip smoothies—like any good gal pals in Bieber’s pristine bathroom. Said bathroom, I will dolefully note, appears more spacious than a $3,500-a-month New York City apartment. Is it actually the room where Justin Bieber defecates? Frankly, it appears more akin to a sound stage, but hey, the same thing for him, really!
It’s all very sweet for about the first 20 seconds. “I actually can’t even believe I’m about to say who this next guest is,” Bieber gushes, as Paltrow enters, offers a quick embrace, and then gets right down to the nitty-gritty.
“I think I know your dad and your uncles,” she immediately begins. “That’s my favorite thing that people say to me,” Bieber giggles. Now, before I continue, I have to ask: Is it? Granted, my father, nor my uncle, have ever called my cousin a “thoughtless little pig,” married an American born-and-bred yoga instructor pretending to be Spanish, or, gee, I don’t know, killed a woman, but they’re definitely not my favorite topic of conversation. I’ll also note that Bieber’s father once told The Guardian that “Jesus or no Jesus” should his daughter ever start working in a strip club, he’d “beat her ass.” It’s a good thing she’s just vlogging from her shitter. Phew!
Back to the interview: Bieber bravely asks Paltrow if she had any stories about her relatives, to which Paltrow reveals that she and Bieber’s dad actually once shot an independent movie together and that he was “great.”
“Imagine if you had some horror story, and you were like, ‘It was terrible, it was a nightmare working with him,’” Bieber jests.
Never to be outdone in the gag department, Paltrow swiftly responds: “Or, if I’d like, fucked your dad in the bathroom.” Shockingly, Bieber rolls right along with it: “I’ve had that happen to me, actually.” Paltrow then clarifies that she, in fact, did not fuck the host’s father in a bathroom. Boring. However, she did just cop to wishing she’d “made out with more” of the cast of the Dead Poets Society via a post on former co-star, Ethan Hawke’s, Instagram. Relatable!
The remainder of the 20-minute interview is considerably less interesting, as the pair proceeds to wax poetic about the woes of being a nepotism baby. “We have to work twice as hard” yada yada yada. The last time I checked, I had to turn sideways to fit in my bathroom so, just go right on ahead and drink your shitty smoothies, girls.
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