Good News: We Finally Know the Real Average Penis Size

As Betty Everett famously sang, “If you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s in his dick. That’s where it is.” Wait. Those aren’t the lyrics. Are they? (Note: I’m kind of hungover.) At any rate, this is a post about cocks. Specifically, a new study that proves forever beyond a mushroom shaped shadow of doubt that men haven’t been lying about their dick sizes, after all.

I wasn’t aware of this, but apparently penis size exaggeration is a thing that Science has been investigating because Science has solved all of the other problems like cancer and fistulas. And now we know, for science-sure, that when researchers ask men for the size of their dicks, they’re telling the truth. So are you ready for it, baby? Want to know how big the average dick is?

It’s 5.57 inches.

Researchers arrived at this figure by conducting a study where men had to self-report their penis length in order to be fitted for a condom. Overstate penis size and the condom would slide off. Lie and say it’s small and the condom would be tight and uncomfortable. Men reported their size, were issued condoms accordingly, and that’s how your average penis size sausage (PUN INTENDED) is made. Turns out that the self-reported data was in line with other self-reported cock size figures, which indicates that men haven’t been lying about it this whole time.

Know what else this means? In order to have technically sucked “miles” of cock, you must perform 22,750 blow jobs on men with average sized penises. That’s over 1100 BeeJays per year. What are you doing still reading the internet?