God Has Canceled This Baptist Preacher Who Gave the Most Sexist Sermon In the 6,000-Year History of the Planet

In February, Stewart-Allen Clark, a pastor at First General Baptist Church in Malden, Missouri, jumped onto stage and delivered a long sermon about some of the central teachings of Jesus Christ. Wives, Clark preached, have a Biblical obligation to not only look hot for their husbands, so that they don’t cheat, but also to submit to sex whenever their husband wants to bone. Clark apparently forgot another one of the tenets of the Bible—that people will record your sermons and upload them to the internet and that consequences are real. After an extremely justified backlash, Clark has been forced to take a leave of absence from his church, and he is, in the words of his church, “seeking professional counseling.”

In a 22-minute video of his sermon that was uploaded to Facebook, Clark began by saying, “Since I’m the preacher man, I’ll say it. Your man needs an attractive wife.” And it only devolved from there. Clark stated that it’s not in women’s “capacity to understand… how important it is for a man to have a beautiful woman on his arm.”

Sounding for all the world like he was doing a tired, misogynistic stand-up set in 1991, Clark continued: “Why is it so many times that women after they get married let themselves go?” He then flashed a photo of… Melania Trump on the screen behind him??? “Now look, I’m not saying every woman can be the epic, epic trophy wife of all time, like Melania Trump, I’m not saying that at all. Most women can’t be trophy wives like her, maybe you’re a participation trophy.” To punctuate his point, Clark threw in some points that smack of homophobia and transphobia. “All I can say is, not everybody looks like that, amen…But you don’t need to look like a butch either!”

“Men have a need for their women to look like women,” he continued.

Clark went on to give some tips to women who want to look hot for their husbands. “If you were sitting in my office, here’s the first thing I would say to you, and boy I hate to say this, this is why I don’t do marital counseling anymore, and that is… weight control.” (I hate to body shame but in this one instance… Stewart-Allen? Let he who is without sin etc. etc.!)

If you’re wondering right now whether Clark is married, the unfortunate answer is yes. At one point, he began talking about how happy he was that his wife attended Weight Watchers. After his wife, incredibly enough, didn’t leap on stage and murder him, somehow, his sermon got worse. Towards the end, Clark endorsed the idea of marital rape. “Men, put this on your headboard at your house.” He then quoted from 1 Corinthians 7:4. “The wife has no longer all the rights over her body—wow!—but she shares them with her husband. There’s a double, woohoo! Ooohwhoo! So whenever she’s not in the mood, dig out your Bible!”

“Men have to have sexual intimacy, or they’re not happy. That’s just the way it is,” he added.

There is no word yet on whether his long-suffering wife has filed for a very necessary divorce.