Glee: The Dog Days Are Far From Over

There’s trouble brewing at McKinley High: Despite Schue’s insistance that they’re a happy family of freaks, the kids all hate each other.

After Emma suggests that Will should break with his tried-and-true competition formula of Rachel and Finn ballad, followed by Mercedes wailing on the last note of a Journey song, he gives sectionals solos to the kids who are usually relegated to the C-plot. Rachel freaks out because she’s a self-centered brat, and Santana decides it’s an opportune moment to reveal she had sex with Finn last year.

Rachel and Finn go to couples counseling with Emma, who recommends that Rachel storm off (just like Brad Pitt!) rather than discussing her situation in a mature fashion. Rachel’s angry at her glee-mates because they knew about Finn and Santana’s “Like A Virgin” duet and didn’t tell her, and Schue for not letting her sing a showtune this week. When Rachel comes to class with duct tape over her mouth, Schue finally snaps and screams at Rachel about her “terrible attitude.” It’s kind of like when Captain Picard finally told Wesley Crusher to shut up, but much less satisfying.

Now Rachel’s only friend is Kurt. While he enjoys frolicking through the halls of the Dalton Academy in slow-motion, he needs his old rival’s help for his Warblers solo audition. They both sing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” but the Warblers are unimpressed by his grandiose hand gestures and force him to sing backup.

Rachel runs into her new BFF again at sectionals, and Kurt asks, “So how’s Finn? I feel bad. I haven’t spoken to him since the wedding.” Uh, don’t Kurt and Finn live together? And what was the point of Finn’s 15-minute ode to Kurt last week if he isn’t even speaking to his new step-brother?

At the competition, a group of elderly people sing Mike + The Mechanics’ “The Living Years,” which is weird and mildly depressing. Then the Warblers sing “Hey Soul Sister,” and Darren Criss makes me momentarily not hate Train. (During the break I saw one of the dozens of commercials that feature this song and recommitted myself to the “Stop Advertising From Pulling A Train” campaign.) Judging from the look on his face, Schue isn’t a fan either:

Next up: New Directions. Everyone looks surprised to see Sam and Quinn enter from the back of the auditorium, even though they did this at a competition last year. Thankfully, they’re singing the original “I Had the Time of My Life,” not the Black Eyed Peas version. Then for no apparent reason, New Directions gets to sing a second song, “Valerie” by the Zutons.

The New Directions and the Warblers tie so Blaine has a reason to stay on the show. The next day, Will heads to Emma’s office, hoping she’ll be so impressed with his giant trophy that she’ll break up with her boyfriend. But he’s too late — Emma and Uncle Jesse eloped over the weekend! Will congratulates her and manages to resist the urge to inquire about the state of her hymen.

Rachel finally decides she’s okay with Finn losing his virginity to Santana before they were even a couple, and they make up. Then she confesses that she made out with Puck to get back at him, and he immediately breaks up with her. In the final montage, the kids perform “Dog Days Are Over” as Rachel sadly disassembles the Finn shrine in her locker.

Next week: It’s Christmas! Are you aware that there’s a Glee Christmas album? Perhaps you would like to buy said Glee Christmas album!