Glee: Awkwardly Sexual

Last night’s Glee was pretty funky, and not in the amusing Marky Mark sense of the word. Will sang an uncomfortably sexy song to Sue, Quinn learned a Very Special lesson about racism, and Terri lusted after an underage boy.

The episode starts with Jesse St. James informing the New Directions kids that he’s transferred back to Carmel High because, “You guys were awful to me. You never accepted me. You never listened to my clearly superior ideas.” In their defense, it’s hard to bond with a guy who takes three weeks off to attend another school’s spring break excursion. Jesse and Vocal Adrenaline perform “Another One Bites The Dust,” and TP the McKinley rehearsal room, sending our heroes into a deep depression… OK, a “funk.”

Sue reveals that she let Vocal Adrenaline into the McKinley auditorium because she plans to turn the chorus room into her trophy annex when New Directions loses sectionals. Will, who as you may recall is an adult, responds by grabbing the trophy she’s holding and smashing it. She replies, “You know, for me trophies are like herpes. you can try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.” Point: Sue.

Next Terri turns up to sign the papers finalizing her divorce from Will. Afterward she tells him tenderly, “You’re still that 16-year-old boy to me. You always will be,” which was kind of the whole problem with their marriage, no? Well, that and the fake pregnancy thing.

Will decides to share his marriage woes with his students and Santana, who has managed to steal my heart with with only about two lines per episode, asks, “Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?” Will’s point is that the kids should pull a revenge prank on Carmel High.

Unsurprisingly, Will’s plan backfires when Puck and Finn are caught slashing the Vocal Adrenaline kids’ tires. In lieu of expulsion, Finn and Puck agree to pay for the damage by getting jobs. Terri hires them at Sheets ‘N Things and they all sing Beck’s “Loser,” which is cut short so Terri can fantasize about Finn. If you thought Terri would get to redeem herself, forget it; She’s following up her pregnancy scam storyline with seducing a 16-year-old boy.

Back at McKinley, Will commences Plan B: Assign the kids “funk” songs to combat the soulless singing robots that comprise Vocal Adrenaline. He also attempts to seduce Sue Sylvester by serenading her with the song “Tell Me Something Good.” Besides creeping us out, he’s trying to throw her off before the cheerleading nationals. For some reason Sue allows him to rub his brillo-y hair on her and writes later in her diary:

Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester — sexy, non-murdering feelings. Oh it all makes sense now journal. True love always springs from true hate! I’ll admit in the past I’ve fantasized about waking up next to Will’s head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached the to rest of his body.

Will asks Sue out on a date (she dresses up by wearing pearls with her track suit), but he stands her up. Sue’s ensuing funk causes the Cheerios to unravel (Brittany can’t even dress herself properly) and Kurt explains to Mr. Schue that Sue may not need another cheerleading trophy, but the kids do.

Meanwhile, Quinn performs James Brown’s “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” at glee rehearsal and brings in other girls from the Unwed Mothership Connection to act as her backup dancers. (Are there are five other pregnant teens at McKinley we’ve never heard of?) Artie initially remarks that the pregnant ladies’ dance is “offensive,” but my only issue with the number is that it’s poorly lip synced.

This leads to a Mercedes/Quinn scene that may actually be offensive, but I’m still not sure what they were talking about. Quinn apologizes to Mercedes for unknown reasons and says that while she’s only going to be pregnant for nine months, “You’ve had to deal with this your whole life. People making assuptions, calling you names.” At first I thought she was talking about being overweight, but it seems being knocked up has given Quinn insight into being a minority. Either way, the scene was too preachy for my tastes. The point is Quinn is going to move into Mercedes’ house, which doesn’t seem that important since we didn’t know where she was living for a considerable chunk of this season.

Later, Jesse calls Rachel and asks her to meet him in the school parking lot. She runs toward him in slow motion and manages not to get hit by a bus Mean Girls-style, but’s it’s a trap; the Vocal Adrenaline kids jump out ad pelt her with eggs. Jesse says, “I loved you,” then smashes an egg onto her forehead. The only explanation for this behavior is that Jonathan Groff isn’t coming back for season two, so like Idina Menzel, his storyline needs to be tied up quickly. The lesson for Rachel: Bonding with guest stars always leads to heartbreak.

Sue gets over her funk and wins cheerleading nationals, thanks in part to Kurt’s “14 and a half minute Celine Dion medley.” She threatens to put the trophy in the chorus room unless Will kisses her. He agrees, but she changes her mind at the last minute because, “Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It’s making me sick.”

Finally, New Directions performs “Give Up The Funk” for Vocal Adrenaline, leaving them in awe of their superior funkiness.

Next week: Sectionals! My bet: The kids lose miserably and glee club is finally disbanded.