Gifts For Malcontents & Curmudgeons

It’s tough to buy for the friend who has everything — but what about the friend who hates everything? Never fear: we have suggestions to help you melt your most curmudgeonly buddy’s frozen, twisted heart — or at least help her revel in its twistedness.

A hateful calendar

In case your favorite grump needs more things to complain about, this calendar offers one hateful thing per day for all of 2012. And in case this inspires him or her to new levels of hateration, there’s also a companion journal for recording everything awful about the year.

A dismissive mug

A true curmudgeon does not want to be bothered while she’s drinking her coffee — or ever. Help her send that message with a mug that says “Go away” on one side and “No seriously, leave me alone” on the other. No one will bother her with smiles or small talk again.

An insulting t-shirt

It’s so much trouble to tell someone you’re not listening to them — especially if you’re not listening to anyone, ever. Your curmudgeonly friend will be able to tell everyone he knows exactly what he thinks of their useless prattle with this charming t-shirt.

A pair of isolationist headphones

The world is so annoying! But with a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, your favorite malcontent will be significantly less bothered by the cacophony of neighbors, dogs, traffic, and loved ones. For best results, these should be worn at all times.

A relatable book

The Worst Person in the World tells the story of a man who loathes everything, just like your buddy. As A Kid explains on Amazon, “The man in this book hates just about every thing but its because he hates every thing that makes the book so good.” Warning: the ending may be too heartwarming for the most curmudgeonly tastes.

A jar of unappetizing candy

Someone of your friend’s sour disposition will surely enjoy some sour balls. Sure, you could get her some fun, tasty candy like Warheads — but you know she hates fun.

A profane necklace

If you want to make your malcontent pal’s life easier, give her a necklace that lets her say “Fuck You” to everyone around her, without uttering a word. If anyone complains, she can assure them that yes, it is personal.

A bottle of bitterness

You can help a curmudgeon mix a cocktail to suit her disposition by buying her this classy set of six different flavors of bitters. There’s even a mint one, so her scowl of disapproval will be minty-fresh!