In October, I threw my back out. I was standing on my bed to dust my ceiling lamp and my back said, “lol no.” The pain was sharp, exactly what I’d imagine an electric shock with fire knives might feel like. My knees buckled and I fell onto my bed—and in those few, innocent moments between the immediate shock of pain and Googling whether a stroke can start in your spine, I quietly and courageously kissed my youth goodbye.
My bed has a foam topper and, apparently, standing on such an uneven, slightly mushy surface was simply too much instability for my back now that I’m a little over 30. The general consensus from my family members who are 50+ was “yeah, you have to be careful in your old age.” I couldn’t walk for days, laid flat on my back in my bed for over a week, and if I slightly shifted in my sleep, I woke up in excruciating pain that caused me to fall out of bed and cry until I could neutralize my back position. I’ve never experienced back pain like the pain I suffered after trying to keep my bedroom free of dust mites.
Anyway, feels great to vent about that. My body is 235 years old, and I need to treat it as such. If you’re over 30, you should be treating it as such, as well. And if your friends are over 30, they also need to be treating it as such. These gifts say, “Even if you haven’t experienced back pain yet, you will soon.” If your giftee really can’t understand why you got them a giant, long, bendy straw, give them a big hug and tell them they’ll find out soon.