Fox Blonde Reports on the Difficult Circumstances Women Currently Face

Prior to being confined to their homes, women have never, in history, been seen in an unkempt state. Since the invention of the first beauty product, we have always walked about the world with perfectly concealed roots, silk-wrapped talons, and skin that glows with the help of the right pressed powder highlight. It is, as you know, punishable by burning to not do these things. But with all non-essential businesses shutting down to prevent the spread of coronavirus, the loss of hair and nail salons weighs heavy on people like television anchors and celebrities who have never had to endure the indignity of not getting everything they want exactly when they want it. So heavy, in fact, that Ainsley Earhardt, host of Fox and Friends, felt the need to mention the collective demise of women’s cuticles on-air while virtually seated between two men who likely have no idea what the fuck she is talking about.

Earhardt, whose roots appear to be doing just fine, gave voice to the voiceless and mentioned all of the very important things women can no longer do now that they must be responsible and practice social distancing. Such critical things like returning clothing within a 30-day period and getting their hair done so the men of the world never need to know their real hair color. And while it is a national travesty that everyone will now know that my overgrown blonde highlights are not natural, the bigger travesty that Earhardt overlooked is the inability to go to an eyebrow threading salon. That is the type of suffering that needs to be covered. Nails can be done at home but eyebrows require a deft hand and years of training.

Earnhardt also omitted the people who actually perform the services she misses most. Who cares that the person who does her hair may lose her livelihood and that person’s life may never be the same after this kind of recession? The real victims are Earnhardt and all of her friends who left the city and are stuck isolating in their country homes. I wonder when they’ll start the GoFundMe campaign.