Forgive Me, Lord: I Ate Watermelon Oreos and Then Fed Them to Children

Okey dokey! Here we go the fuck again!!! Not content with draining my will to live via ~~chemical burn and washcloth sandwich~~ Candy Corn Oreos last September, Nabisco has released a new seasonal Oreo flavor for my editor to force into my mouth on camera. You’ve probably heard of it by now. It is the Watermelon Oreo.

The Watermelon Oreo is not a good cookie.

Hey, do you love eating Technicolor garbage food that somehow manages to be both bland and cloying!? Are you sick of scraping residue out of the Dumpster behind the lip gloss factory every time you get hungry? Well, get thee to Target! And just a heads-up—they don’t keep the Watermelon Oreos with the regular Oreos, or on an endcap near the registers, or in any place where you might logically look for them. So you will have to ask. A human being. For Watermelon Oreos. In public. With your mouth. On a Tuesday morning.

Anyway, I bought the Watermelon Oreos and I ate them and I filmed it. For the sake of fairness—so it wouldn’t just be five minutes of me screaming about barf—I enlisted the help of some small garbage-food enthusiasts. A.k.a. children. They loved it. I DIDN’T.