Florida Man Defies Odds, Finally Does Something Good

Illustration for article titled Florida Man Defies Odds, Finally Does Something Good
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It’s not often that I get to write good news about my home state of Florida, which is fair because good news so infrequently comes out of the hellhole (said with love) that is the Sunshine State. However, when we’re not busy derailing the course of democracy, eating people’s faces, or shaving our legs in public pools, it turns out that Floridians do, in fact, have some good left in them. Or, at least, this one man does.

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A diner at a restaurant in Naples, Florida left a $10,000 tip after finishing a meal recently, just before the restaurant was ordered to close to the public, along with all other public dining rooms in the state, by Governor Ron DeSantis.

Ross Edlund, the owner of the restaurant, said he believes the man’s name is Bill or Bob, although he can’t quite remember, and is a regular patron. “It’s funny because we have regulars who have been coming in forever,” Edlund said, “and they’re our friends but we don’t always know their names. We know their faces, their orders, their favorite tables, but we don’t know exactly who they are.” I have friends who describe some of the people they’re dating in much the same way, although none of their gentlemen callers seem nearly as generous as Bill. Or was it Bob?

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Either way, the generosity of the nearly-anonymous Florida man allowed the 20 person staff of the restaurant to each walk home with five-hundred extra dollars that night, nearly half of what the government has promised in relief checks for (some of) the American public.

I’ve previously described Florida as a place where you ride reverse cowgirl on an alligator, whilst shooting roman candles off into the balmy night air drinking a Mikes Hard Lemonade, and I still pretty much stand by that description. But, as with anywhere, it’s also a place that is filled with a lot of people who are doing their best to do their best right now, and Bill, or Bob, has made me proud to be from where I am.

I’ll be honest, the next time you read a headline about a Florida man, it’s likely to be about something much, much less inspirational, so let me take what will likely be the only opportunity I will ever have to write this sentence. To the best of our abilities right now, let’s all try and be like this Florida man, if not in financial generosity, then at least in spirit. I certainly don’t have 10k to hand out at the moment, but I can do the best with what I’ve got.

freelance writer living in San Francisco. Please clap.

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DISCUSSION

tampabeeatch
TampaBabaYaga (Name changes reflect identity crisis)

We’re no weirder than any other state.... well.... okay not by much. We just have Sunshine laws which mean our arrest records are available immediately to the press and the local law enforcement play along by putting the ‘best’ ones on top of the stack on the overnight shift.

The worst shit we do occurs in our balls and dick shaped legislature in South Alabama (the panhandle ain’t Florida to most of us living south of Mouse House).

Pasty faced, dough boy DeSantis is too busy licking Trump’s taint and probably jerking off in cigar stank back rooms with Gaetz to lead the state so that he can never be pinned down on making a decision one way or the other when this is over. He’s making the mayors handle it, and meanwhile, all of Trump’s “THE VILLAGES” asswipe type followers are like “WOOHOOO we’re old and whatever, we were at Woodstock we suddenly care about putting it to “The Man” again! For the first time in sixty years. We’ll bonk and dance and play golf if we want to your stupid fake news people! Make the plebes go back to work! My portfolio is down! And I’m not allowed to go to my dialysis, but I’m too stupid to do the flow diagram of why that is. BUT I own stock in Boeing so I should get a bajillion dollars. Fuck the poor! Why can’t I go out for Wygu beef? My maid is wearing a mask and gloves and it’s very aesthetically unpleasing.... how can I make her stop that?