Something happened at the Oscars on Sunday night that I have not been able to get out of my head, although I have tried very, very hard. When I close my eyes? All I see is Ansel Elgort, AKA Ansolo, AKA DJ Ansolo, shooting a hot dog out of a much larger hot dog.
Why did this happen? Your guess is as good as mine. Host Jimmy Kimmel wanted to do something “fun,” I guess. There was nothing “fun” about this, from my perspective. Frankly, there are plenty of people I would prefer to see holding a mechanical hot dog the size of a torso. Angela Bassett, for example. Timothée Chalamet, if I’m being honest with myself.
And yes, Armie Hammer also shot hot dogs out of a hot dog cannon, I know that. I realize that Armie Hammer’s hot dog cannon performance was more noteworthy and sexual than Ansel’s in the eyes of the Twitter community, which is too bad for Ansel, and also for me, because I’ve been forced to bear this emotional attack basically on my own for several days now.
No longer, my friends. Ansel was there too, holding his hot dog launcher, smiling doofily like he has no concept of the pain and terror he hath wrought. Don’t you dare turn away—I need you to see this:
I’ll never eat a hot dog again.