Fill In The Blanks: I Should Have Known The Love Of My Life Was Actually _____ When ______…

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I'm ripping this idea off Divorce 360 in honor of the Michigan woman who recently discovered her churchgoing podiatrist husband had two other wives — one of whom thought she'd married a Muslim guy named Mustafa. Surely there were signs?


Indeed there were! Let's tabulate, ranking them in order of least to most hindsight-beneficial:

1. HINDSIGHT 20/400: Unreachable on September 11
You read those text messages. Unless you were busy dying or administering emergency care, if you had a wife on September 11, you talked to that wife on on September 11 — unless you happened to be glued to the couch watching Ashley Banfield (or Al-Jazeera International) in the living room of one of your other wives, in which case it maybe wasn't the best time to drop any "bombs" as the saying goes. Seriously, John Bobbitt called Lorena on September 11. Eliot Spitzer probably put in a call to the Emperors Club VIP. At the very least you emailed.
2. HINDSIGHT 20/300: Started couples therapy multiple years before getting engaged.
Which is never a good sign, especially when the source of conjugal angst is that he maintained an LTR with a person in his profession whom he could see all the time at industry conferences.
3. HINDSIGHT 20/225: Traveled to numerous "conferences" even though he worked in a profession requiring minimal interaction with people in other cities.
This is almost worse than "was a professional athlete." Who the hell is constantly hitting the road to stay abreast of the latest advances in podiatry? Unless…
4. HINDSIGHT 20/50: Podiatrist
Maybe it is an open secret that this profession is full of self-hating foot-fetishists who want to maintain normal middle American lifestyles on the outside while staying free to travel across the country for regular orgies of hazardous stilettos and stripper heels and maybe those platform shoes that killed all those girls in Japan? It's always worth checking his email just to make sure.

Anyway, now you!


I should've known it wouldn't work out when he went to Confession after having sex with me.

I am not making this up.