'Fat Keanu' Is the Hot Story du Jour

Illustration for article titled Fat Keanu Is the Hot Story du Jour

Keanu Reeves arrived at the Cannes Film Festival yesterday, where he is presenting his just-finished directorial debut, A Man of Tai Chi. Keanu gave a speech in which he gushed about his love of kung fu movies (calling them "beautiful, wonderful, empowering") and his intentions to market his film to Chinese and Western audiences. But the headlines about Keanu right now deal with his weight.

Forget Sad Keanu. It's all about Fat Keanu now.

The Sun's headline: "Reeve Off the Grub? Bloated Keanu's Shock Weight Gain." In the article, he is called "unrecognizable," as well as "bloated and aged." Other words in the piece: "double chin," "hint of a paunch," "puffy eyes."


Us Weekly's headline: "Keanu Reeves Looks Bloated At Cannes Film Festival." The writer points out that he is "looking quite different from the slim-hipped looker he was a decade ago." Jesus. WHO AMONG US IS NOT?

Starpulse says: "Keanu Reeves Looking Pudgier Than Usual."

Yahoo Movies UK declares that Keanu "cut[s] a somewhat fuller figure."

The Daily Mail puts it this way: "Boating with bloat: Keanu Reeves boarded a yacht in Cannes on Sunday, debuting a possible weight gain and a tired appearance." Ah yes, that's what he's debuting. Not a film, but "possible" weight gain. Way more important.

From the New York Daily News:

This is what became of the Hollywood hunk who made women swoon…


Cannes I have some more?

While we definitely haven't reached full Kim Kardashian levels of mocking, this kind of critique is rude and unnecessary. Forty-eight year old Keanu Reeves hasn't been around for a while, and seeing him again is like seeing an old friend. Why can't media outlets say Hello old friend, glad you're still alive, we missed you instead of Hello old friend, you look like shit? He's accomplished something most people only dream of; he's not presenting himself as eye-candy to be judged. Bitching about his appearance is the worst kind of bratty bias ever. Just like with Kim, the gist of these complaints is that Keanu is offending to eyes by appearing in public less-than-svelte. Keep in mind that the cruel, fat-shaming comments are based on a series of images (as seen above) of Keanu as he was caught unawares, leaving a yacht yesterday.


Today, he showed up for work — his Man Of Tai Chi photocall — looking more rested and clean-shaven:

Illustration for article titled Fat Keanu Is the Hot Story du Jour

Whoa. No headlines about the new pictures. Guess being put-together ruins the pile-on. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Keanu Reeves Makes Directorial Debut With 'Man of Tai Chi' (Exclusive Image) [The Hollywood Reporter]


Lead images via Splash; additional image via Getty.

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Rebecca "Burt" Rose

So you're supposed to look exactly the same as you did TEN YEARS AGO? Who are the clueless, out of touch assholes who crap like this and let's see what they looked like ten years ago! Oh, what's that you say, 25-year-old dumb ass tabloid writer? You don't look anything like you did when you were 5?? BETTER LAY OFF THE BOOZE BLOATED DRUG ADDICT.

Jesus H. Christ. He's about my age. If I had aged this I'd be dancing a fucking jig in the middle of Times Square everyday.

"Looking quite different from the slim-hipped looker he was a decade ago..."—-oh just go fuck yourself why don't you.