Fat Daters Compensate For Unattractiveness With Grad School, Money

Bad news, fatties. A new study from the Department of Making You Feel Bad has just released results of a new study that found that people with marriage on their mind don’t want to date you. But there’s a glimmer of good news among the bad: you can overcome your unlovable-ness by earning more money or going to school forever.

According to the study, led by Pierre-Andre Chiappori (Columbia University sociologist by day and mustachioed international playboy by night), men and women who are considering marriage rate potential mates based primarily on physical and socioeconomic factors. On the physical side, both men and women prefer slender mates, and as both groups’ Body Mass Index increases, their physical attractiveness the opposite sex decreases. In order for men and women to remain attractive as they become infinitely massive, they must compensate for their lack of physical attractiveness by increasing the girth of their wallets or academic credentials.

Unfortunately, carrying big brown burlap sacks with black dollar signs on the side everywhere will not suffice for tricking the opposite sex into thinking you’re rich and therefore attractive. The New York Post reports that as men gain weight, they can compensate for their lack of attractiveness by getting richer; for every 10% increase in BMI, a man must increase his salary by 2% in order to be attractive to the same dating pool. (As a man’s Body Mass Index approaches zero, we could assume the necessary income he needs to attract a partner also approaches zero. This explains why Jack Skellington doesn’t get paid jack shit and always dating supermodels, and why that crowd of cackling aliens expects Princess Leia to be totally cool with dating Jabba the Hutt.)

The study also found that in order for women to date the same pool marriageable of men, they must complete one more year of education per 10% BMI increase. Science’s secret to staying sexy forever: graduate school.

This doesn’t make sense on a number of levels. First, many in corporate America receive annual 2 or 3% cost of living raises. Does this mean that every single corporate hack in America who just derpily goes about his white collar day and consistently increases his BMI by 10% each year while receiving annual raises could choose from the same field of women forever?

By the same token, can women net the man of their dreams by going to school decades? If that’s the case, why don’t you see more thirtysomethings who just received their PhDs on Comparative Religion on the arms of Hollywood superstars? Why aren’t there any scenes in The Bachelor when a square-jawed single 34 year old attorney expresses starry eyed admiration for the chubby 43-year-old professional student with 3 MA’s who is thinking about going back to school again to become an academic librarian? (“She’s had like four papers published. That’s incredibly sexy. I’m giving her my First Impression Rose, and I can’t wait to see where this journey takes us.”)

Finally, the study found that people looking to get married don’t care much about wishy-washy factors like “sense of humor” or “kindness” or “thoughtfulness” or “ability to quote Wayne’s World while intoxicated.” All the study participants really cared about was ass-to-wallet ratio.