Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League Week 3: Staying Strong for Lamar
LatestThere was not a lot of joy in the Kardashian-Jenner League this week, as many of our points were accrued because of Lamar Odom’s hospitalization following an alleged overdose of herbal viagra. Apparently in stable enough condition now to have been flown from Vegas to Los Angeles, the incident has been emotionally devastating for Odom’s family, former teammates, and the Kardashian-Jenner clan—as well as Odom’s fans, who really want to remind us all that he is an accomplished, brilliant basketball player first and the husband of Khloe Kardashian second. His supporters and teammates, clearly, miss Odom’s contribution. Despite this turmoil, our own teams toughed it out, somberly and dutifully. Owing to recent developments and an updated scoring system—we’re only counting mentions in blog headlines now, rather than random mentions in the body text—we have our first tie of the league, between Teams The Gross Fan and I Thought You Hate Hot Pink.
TEAM NOBODY
Kylie Jenner
Blog mentions: +34
App mentions: +9
New hair: +5
Product shill: -5
Magazine cover: +20 (Elle Canada)
Rob Kardashian
Blog mentions: +3
Bambi and Norman Jenner
Blog mentions: +2
Insta appearance: +2
Twitter appearance: +1 RTed
Reign Disick
Blog mentions: +4
Total yardage: 75
Performance summary: With the new scoring system in Kardashian-Jenner HellBall being what it is—unfriendly to those who are not central to the Kardashian story, which is to say three out of the four people on my team—I was expecting a poor showing out of Team Nobody during this extremely uncomfortable week. Lamar’s in the hospital. I thought, maybe we should cancel the game. But the motherfucking thing about the Kardashians is that they just keep at it. Kylie balanced posting years-old “pray 4 Lamar” shots with pics of her dope new haircut (I just got the same one, so) and teasers for the app whose advertising hiatus didn’t seem to go very long. Rob was “spotted” (in the photos, he is indiscernible) driving a Kardashian car. Kourtney took the kids out in public, and the DOGGIES showed up in Snapchat, so I now know what they look like (gray and small). Kylie continues to be the MVP, achieving three or four Daily Mail headlines every time she breathes, and though Reign Disick’s mentions will be from this point forward much-diminished (he is mentioned as an accessory to his parents’ problems only) I feel confident that, soon, it’ll be his time to shine. —Jia Tolentino
TEAM BIBLE
Kim Kardashian
Blog mentions: +28
App mentions: +4
Tabloids: +15
Caitlyn Jenner
Blog mentions: +8
Brody Jenner
Blog mentions: +0.5
Leah Jenner
Blog mentions: +0.5
Total yardage: 56
In the wake of tragedy last week, Kim proved her ability to be a team player, not only canceling her second baby shower, but staying active on the boards through requisite hospital visits and a tweet about Lamar. She constantly plays like a champ and I don’t know where Team Bible would be without her. (Also, in the most bizarre news, “Chinese Kim Kardashian” and her 10-foot wedding cake made a headline cameo, which I’ll take). Just as Caitlyn’s field goal percentage is dwindling (she’s rumored to be getting into online dating, cool), my boy Brody finally got off his beautiful ass and posted numbers (Perez Hilton: “Brody Jenner Has An Awkward Encounter With A Fan As She Asks ‘Is Caitlyn Yo Daddy’—Watch It All Go Down”), though that doesn’t ease the fact that his motor skills are rusty, having sat through most of the first half. Leah likewise had a minor showing, with an Instagram post that made one measly headline (“Leah Jenner Is A Babywearing Mama”), but I’m glad she decided to show up on game day for once. In all, my team played hard amidst adversity. —Clover Hope
TEAM THE GROSS FAN
Khloe Kardashian
Blog mentions: +14
Tabloid cover: +10
Kris Jenner
Blog mentions: +6
Penelope Disick
Blog mentions: 0
Casey Jenner
Blog mentions: 0
Total yardage: 30
Performance summary: Lamar Odom’s unfortunate medical condition made this a rough week for everyone in the family, but it would be hard arguing that any of the Kardashians had a tougher week than Khloe. That she made it through the past seven days at all is a testament to her perseverance and skill on the field of life, and I’m proud to have her on my team in this fantasy league. The new scoring system (as well as the Lamar story) understandably brought Kris Jenner, my two time Most Valuable Momager, down to a paltry six points. But if the past week has taught me anything, it’s that you should never give up hope—so I’m still excited to see where this season takes Team The Gross Fan.—Bobby Finger
TEAM I THOUGHT YOU HATE HOT PINK
Kourtney Kardashian
Blog mentions: +15
Thirst trap: -2
Scott Disick
Blog mentions: +15
Mason Disick
Blog mentions: +2
MJ Shannon
Total Yardage: 30
Performance summary: The Daily Mail’s callous nature and prurient interest in Kourtney Kardashian’s “curves” while “picking up pricey panties” or going “bra-free” and showing off her “post-split body” kept Team I Hate Hot Pink in the running this week despite the tabloids ostensibly in servitude to the safety and prayers for Lamar Odom, but Kourtney’s doubling down on her own “slender physique” was an unexpected fumble. Also unexpected: Scott Disick transforming a bad play into a touchdown by checking into rehab, all of which manifested in a rare show by Mason Disick, whose outing with Uncle Kanye was an ace in the hole.—Julianne Escobedo Shepherd
TEAM BUSH & THE TUSH
Kendall Jenner
Blog mentions: +19
Corey Gamble
Blog mentions: +3
North West
Blog mentions: +5
Brandon Jenner
Blog mentions: 0
Total Yardage: 27
Perfomance Summary: For the second week in a row, Kendall played it safe moving the ball down the field; her “inspirational message” for Lamar Odom earned her some points but the lack of explosiveness in her game meant she didn’t make the cover of any tabloids. A more jumpy coach might make changes to his or her lineup at this point in the season, but I’m gonna say we should stick to the game plan and hold out for another Vogue cover—hey, anything’s possible! You gotta believe in your team. Corey Gamble, last seen accompanying Kris Jenner practically everywhere, dropped off the face of the earth this week (save for a hug with Justin Bieber himself! Now that’s a good pass). As I noted in last week’s game notes, my coaching had let North West down and I tried to involve her more in our game plan but communication is still an issue. It’s not entirely her fault, and she’s contributing where she can on special teams while we get on the same page. But even her adorable pumpkin patch appearances in crunch time couldn’t save the day and I fear Team Bush & The Tush is in for a rude loss this week. Oh, and Brandon Jenner? Benched until his play improves—hopefully sending a message to the team that no one’s roster spot is safe, I don’t care what your last name is. —Kate Dries
COMPREHENSIVE SCORES TO DATE:
Team Nobody: 224
Team Bush & the Tush: 220
Team Bible: 214
Team the Gross Fan: 201
Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink: 158
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Images via Getty. Kim Kardashian wax figure image via AP