Excuse Me, Is There Room In Your Bunker?

You know what, pals?

Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:

• ICYMI, two delusional male infants appear to be on the cusp of destroying the world. It’s true—right on schedule, just halfway into the first year of his presidency, a visibly pouting Donald Trump threatened to attack North Korea with “fire and fury” from his goddamn New Jersey golf club and my god, I really hate it when I find myself longing for the steady hand of Jeb! Bush. [Washington Post]
• Before I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I want you to remember that North Korea is full of empty threats and wacky plans that it never follows through on. Ok? Ok. North Korean state media says the country is “seriously considering” firing nuclear missiles (that’s nuclear missiles plural!) at Guam. [CNBC]
• A federal report on climate change was leaked to the New York Times amid fears that the Trump administration might bury it. The report concludes that Americans are already experiencing the effects of climate change, and that “surface, air and ground temperatures in Alaska and the Arctic are rising at a frighteningly fast rate—twice as fast as the global average.” Y’all think you can fuck me up with all this apocalypse news but guess what, buckos, your girl can’t feel anything anymore :) [New York Times]
  
• Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders on her boss: “Oftentimes, people want to make politicians perfect. And that’s one of the actual beauties of Christianity, is understanding that no one is.” AMEN, GIRL! [New York Times] 
• In a position reversal, the Justice Dept. is now supporting Ohio’s bid to purge inactive voters from the rolls. [Washington Post]
• Wow, another onerous regulation suffocating freedom-loving Americans has been blasted to bits by the Trump administration, yeehaw! That is, truck drivers are no longer required to be tested for sleep apnea, a condition that causes daytime drowsiness. [The Hill]

Here are some tweets the president was allowed to publish:

This has been Barf Bag.