Everyone's Jacking it to This Trailer

Variety reports that by Wednesday, the trailer had accumulated 114 million views across YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, and other unnamed digital platforms that I assume are soft-core porn sites. There were 39.4 million views in North America alone, where people are horniest for the stilted, manufactured chemistry between leads Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson. Even in Italy, there were six million views for the localized trailer, perhaps because the movie’s use of masks as a nod to Venetian revelry spurred the country’s decadent impulse to hit replay over and over again as they sought ecstatic release.

The numbers have dethroned Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which generated 112 millions views on its first day. Fifty Shades Darker has awakened a true force, stirring the aroused masses into making history with their constant self-abuse. Of course, it could all be some kind of hoax perpetuated by bot building basement dwellers, like Ghostbusters. We’ll have to watch it over and over again to get to the bottom of this.