The fuck?

Despite what my personal brand on the internet might lead you to believe, I am not a Hercule Poirot superfan. (I read the one on the boat in Egypt, I guess?) Nevertheless, as someone who has some familiarity with basic cable in the late 1990s, I know that Hercule Poirot doesn’t look like this promotional image of Kenneth Branagh from the upcoming The Orient Express, via Entertainment Weekly. He looks like this:

Not this:

Again, Poirot:

Not Poirot:

Take that facial hair back where you got it, Kenneth, which I presume is the set of the 1993 mustache masterpiece Tombstone.