It’s awards season baybee! The Golden Globes are the first super-glam red carpet of the year, and we’re continually updating everyone’s dress for your interested perusal and appalled side-eyes. Gina Rodriguez is our mascot for tonight, a princess in Zac Posen.

Prestige television stars unite: Eva Green’s lovely lace number is appropriate for her witchy role on Penny Dreadful, while Maura Tierney and Emmy Rossum went for subdued, strapless gowns and statement chokers. Regina King, who, fun fact, played Emmy Rossum’s probation officer on Shameless, looks like straight up Wonder Woman in that metal gown. It’s a lot, but I love it.

Sarah Hay is all frills and thrills, but America Ferrera and Eva Longoria got this, in Jenny Packham and Georges Hobeika couture, respectively. Melissa Benoist is very formal and Springy.

Jane Wu is seriously serving in this mirrored gown; I would like her and Regina King to get together and form a posse of superheroes. Judith Light went with her traditional pantsuit—if it works, stick with it—and makes a nice counterpart to screenwriter Phyllis Nagy, who bestowed Carol upon our undeserving heads. Sophia Bush’s simplicity is okay. It’s fine.

Carly Chaikin, who is apparently in Mr. Robot but who I will never forget as the bitchy neighbor with perfect vocal fry in Suburgatory, went for a fishscale mermaid thing that would be terrific were it not for that weird halter? Maybe it’s the angle. Jaimie Alexander is in Genny of Milan; I appreciate the unexpected geometry of it. Jamie Lee Curtis is lovely and subdued, as is Joanne Froggatt, though I’m not in love with either.

Did Bernadette Peters and Felicity Huffman get dressed together? Are we still doing a lot of Marsala? It’s a great color on both. There’s your boy Sam Smith in a tuxedo, lookin’ like he only eats vegetables now. Tara Lynne Barr did the high-low hemline thing. I don’t know.

Neutral hues are popping: Alicia Vikander wore the absolute best Louis Vuitton dress; on television, the pleats moved like clouds. Laverne Cox is generally a person I aspire to but maybe never more than in this flick, in which a chill stylist is carrying the long train on her stunning gown. Cool stylist so chill. Malin Akerman has a flounce of peplum on her beaded gown, while Rosie Huntington-Whitely did an almost inverse of that.

BRIE LARSON, wearing the most gorgeous gilded Calvin Klein! She can join Regina King’s superhero posse too! Caitronia Balfe’s look is very boudoir and I’m quite impressed by it. Never change, girl. Leslie Mann is in Monique Lhullier, typically hyperfeminine with pink and tulle. Natalie Dormer gets points for taking a risk but the structure of that gown seems... unsound.

Amanda Peet is sort of like a mummy-venus standing on an oyster shell in that guy. David Oyelowo is FLY as hell in a three-piece tux in eggplant; Lily Tomlin is working another shade of eggplant, good on her skin tone and also the exact color of my couch on which I sit as I type this. Coincidence? Fuckin Zendaya, who I will always and forever describe as my Slay Queen, is typically gorgeous in, yes, Marsala. It’s Marchesa!

Kirsten Dunst, whagwan in the Valentino gown. I would be scared my tiddies would fall out but I guess that’s what double-sided tape is for. Viola Davis was very proud of her gown on television and goddamn, she should be: it’s a starry night sky of a beautiful work of embroidery. Hope she wins everything. Olivia Wilde in Marsala arrived with cool dad Jason Sudeikis, tip-toe wing across the carpet in his Jawdinz. Or his like, Reeboks. Zoe Kazan and Paul Dano have remarkably matching complexions, like they could share concealer and it would be fine. That dress is not the right shade for her, thus.

Emilia Clarke in a totally fine caped gown. It’s fine but let’s talk about some people who know from fashion in here, and those people are JENNIFER LOPEZ murking everybody around her as always in Giambattista Valli couture, and Kate Bosworth in a beautiful cotton candy sequined Dolce & Gabbana. Bless. Saoirse Ronan is wearing Sheeshaw Originals Couture & Caperie.

I really appreciate that Jane Fonda is paying tribute to traditional Mexican roofing, it makes me feel like she really gets me. Heidi Klum took it to tinseltown in a literal fashion, while Melissa McCarthy’s shiny jammer is more Studio 54. Taraji P. Henson is stunning in alpine white, the color of the evening.

Look at these bad Bs who allowed their boyfriends out for the evening! Jenna Dewan Tatum, with armcandy Channing, really chose the right Zuhair Murad for her frame; the embellishments look like sugar swirls. Jada Pinkett Smith with the dude Will also chose right with a distinct and unexpected kelly green.

Barbara Meier is totally fulfilling some sort of ice skating queen dreams in that princess gown. Jennifer Jason Leigh still has all her teeth, thankfully! (You never know with Tarantino.) Lily James is also giving a sort of nightgowny, boudoir look, while Portia Doubleday just went as a straight-up disco ball.

Cate Blanchett’s Givenchy is lovely and exemplifies not just Riccardo Tisci at his best, but the kind of inherent elegance it takes to pull off something like this. I’m not loving Julia Louis-Dreyfuss’s lace gown, but it’s perfect fashion for the kind of person who isn’t trying to be known for it. Kate Hudson... so like, theoretically I enjoy the taupe reptilian texturing on this Kors two-piece, but also she looks more like she’s trying to get bottle service at 1OAK than showing up for the first major awards show of 2016. That said, anything’s better than Maggie Gyllenhaal’s 1930s hotel carpet jawn, which I loathe!

Amy Adams’s dress is fine. It’s boring in a 2014 red carpet no-risk way. Jon Hamm is just trying to get by, y’know? Rachel McAdams looks like a lovely peony garden, which is hopefully her personal consolation for definitely not winning anything for shitty True Detective. Rooney Mara is in Alexander McQueen; it’s not really translating for me in this photograph, but it’s an atypical concept for this kinda show.

Angela Bassett, you lovely goddess, to what do we owe this honor? Also, what the fuck happened to Katy Perry? Was her stylist drunk?! Julianne Moore and Kate Winslet both look lovely in navy blue, although I feel zero passion for Winslet’s dress and ALL the passion for Moore’s. Just like babies and dogs I love shiny things!

I am really liking this nicer, kinder, gentler Lady Gaga, but let’s face it, it’s purely because she’s not making shitty gym music anymore. Calista Flockhart and Han Solo (I THOUGHT HE DIED?!?!) are still a cute couple, even though they look like they’re going to someone’s christening. Jennifer Lawrence’s dress is cute, but it’s also one of those things designed to rub in your face how much of her life she spends planking. Leo DiCaprio wore a shit-eating grin, as usual.

Luciana Damon in lavender, Queen Latifah in mint; I want it to be Spring too, yall. Hey did you know Christian Bale is married? I had no idea. Sibi is his wife and she looks lovely. Mark Ruffalo is also married, to Sunrise Coigney, who is killing it in that gown.

Terence Howard and Mira Pak are divorced but apparently back in the zone; I’m not mad at her dress. Orlando Bloom looks lost, or maybe he’s just contemplating how to escape Quentin Tarantino and Aaron Sorkin who are of course friends. Hanging out with them seems like it’d be like the absolute worst coke high. Taylor Schilling’s shimmery tux is perfect, one of the best outfits of the night.

Bye for now!

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