If you’re ever in need of suggestions of what to spend money on, New York magazine’s The Strategist is the perfect page to peruse; a website on which I’ve spent many hours researching the ideal humidifier for my criminally dry bedroom. As of today, I can now also recommend The Strategist if you’re looking for a good laugh. In the latest iteration of their weekly series, “What [Celebrity] Can’t Live Without,” they’re asking Eve Jobs, daughter of the late Steve Jobs, what products make her already pretty cushy life that much better. In what I think—though am not 100% positive—is a very genuine response, Jobs recommends to readers that they buy an iPhone. Folks, I’m laughing!
“I’m gonna keep it brief,” the model writes about the new $799 iPhone 14. “It’s a tool for creatives and an aesthetic-design masterpiece. It’s changed the way we have all lived our lives and, very simply put, my feelings on the entire thing is just, it’s genius.” OK, so she is not technically wrong. Her father’s invention did, as she wrote, change the way we have all lived our lives. I am, as I’m sure 90% of New York’s readership is also, already an Apple addict. Still, treating the iPhone like some sort of hip new item you need to try out feels, in 2023, like suggesting people check out this awesome new liquid called water. Also in this case the water costs $799 and in about two years new water will come out and mysteriously make your current water start to taste weird.
Celebrities using this column to promote their own products is not only nothing new, but like fully the purpose of it. Macklemore listed his clothing brand, Bogey Boy’s, $90 hoodie the other week; last fall Cameron Diaz pitched Avaline Red Blend wine, from her line of “wines that aligned with [her] values”— whatever, and I say this with so much love, the fuck that means. But usually it’s newer and lesser-known products that are just launching, not, you know, something an object so ubiquitous that I’m already holding it in my hand and, in fact, reading this article from its screen. Eve’s list really serves as a reminder of just how much these e-commerce pieces are glorified ads; I hadn’t forgotten, but I appreciate the emphasis. It has “can I interest you in an iPhone, fellow kids?” vibes.
Maybe this rec is atonement for Eve harmlessly mocking the same new model this past September? She shared and then quickly deleted a meme that read “Me upgrading from iPhone 13 to iPhone 14 after Apple’s announcement today,” and showed a man holding up a shirt identical to the one he has on. Sure, it’s a common comical observation towards any Apple drop. But most people sharing those memes aren’t part of a family whose $10 billion net worth is partially contingent on folks shelling out money to buy the indecipherably different new iPhone model.
I’m glad Eve made her capitalistic amends through this New York column. It gave me a good laugh on this gloomy afternoon and reminded me to pay the phone bill for my iPhone 11.