Etiquette Monster: Your Bitch of a Cousin and the Coworkers Who Won't Let You Talk at Lunch

That being said, it sounds like you continue to feel wounded by her unwelcome hot take on your relationship. Letting that fester won’t do you, or anyone else, any good. If you care about making amends, it’s time to stop being passive, grow some ovaries of steel, and try talking to your cousin about what happened. Be understanding yet firm. Recognize that she was only trying to help, tell her you appreciate her willingness to move past everything, but be very clear about what you need in order to let this go. An apology to your fiancé? A promise that she won’t talk shit in the future? A request that she trusts your judgment from now on?

Give her room to be equally honest, as chances are that her initial complaints came from a place of genuine concern. Maybe she’s not up for or unwilling to do whatever it is that you’re asking for. If that’s the case, you two might need a little bit of distance for awhile. That’s fine.

As for the wedding—bitch, this is your party, do whatever you want. You mention your cousin’s desire to be in the bridal party and your fiancé’s desire to keep her out of it, but you never say how your desire factors into it. If it’s important for you to have your cousin as bridesmaid, make it clear to your fiancé that, even though you do not like the way she talked about him, her involvement in the wedding is something that remains very important to you. If you’d rather your cousin sat this one out, tell her that A.S.A.P. You can tell her that you still want her at the bachelorette party, bridal shower, and wedding, but you don’t feel comfortable with her being in the bridal party considering what she said about the groom.

You’re in a shitty position in that either outcome will leave someone feeling hurt and dejected, so you might as well go with the option that leaves you—not anyone else—feeling the most content. If your fiancé and cousin have one thing in common, it’s their love for you. They ought to understand or at the very least accept the decision that you make.

Who’s the real MONSTER? Me or my interrupt-y coworkers?

Maybe it’s because I grew up in a family of 6 that always ate dinner together and had to speak over one another, but I fucking hate being interrupted. I always gently call people out for interrupting me, especially men, because they’re proven to be more likely to interrupt women than they are to interrupt other men.

I work in a male-dominated office at a prominent government agency in Washington, DC. Every time two men ask, “Hey you want to go for coffee/lunch?” I just tell them I’m busy or that I’ve already eaten because it seems that every time I’m with two men—doesn’t matter who they are or how well I know them or how progressive they may seem to be—I never get a chance to talk. Either I’m constantly interrupted, or they only talk about things they have in common and of which I know very little. Every single time I’ve gone to lunch with two men, I’ve been completely and utterly excluded from the conversation. My office sits between two men’s offices. They’re funny and kind and very good at their jobs, but every time they’ve invited me to lunch, I’ve gone the entire hour without peeping one word. Nobody notices.

I’m an extrovert. I like to talk, I’m very well-liked in my office and people tell me that often. I love people, so it’s not like I’m so shy that I can’t veer conversations in a direction where all parties can participate. I’m an includer! But every time I go to lunch with two men, they exclude me! Like it’s nothing!

To me, this is supremely impolite and even socially bone-headed. You know what? It is a microaggression. There. And it’s a hilarious reflection of male dominance in every sphere of society that needs to be turned around. It’s so hilariously stupid.

It’s so absurd that I’ve casually pointed it out once or twice to the men in my office, but they just shrug and act as if they have no control over the situation. I still maintain healthy and friendly professional relationships with them, but I don’t eat lunch with them. And in that stupid ‘don’t pursue people if you want them to like you’ middle school way, I get invited to lunch all the time.

This is a really small, stupid office-culture thing. But it happens with 100% frequency and it’s really frustrating that nobody else notices it.

-Lunch Monster

Alright, Lunch Monster, maybe chill out a bit? People like you and are eager to include you. It seems like they respect the work that you do and want to hang out even though they’re under no real obligation to do so. That’s a very good thing! Enjoy it a little! Or not! No one is saying that you have to accept their lunch invites, but nothing you’ve said leads me to believe that your male coworkers are trying to be rude or condescending to you. Quite the opposite (though, as you’ve noted, they’re being pretty bone-headed.)

As for being constantly interrupted, that fucking sucks. It’s annoying and, yes, rude as hell. It’s also, unfortunately, how people who are comfortable together tend to interact and my solution is one that you might not feel comfortable with. Rather than gently calling out your coworkers, try aggressively calling out your coworkers. Shame, I find does wonders, especially if you can deliver it in a way that’s level-headed and assertive. For example:

You: I am introducing a topic that we all can relate to because I am a respectful and courteous human be—

Male Coworker #1: Hey, I am obliviously interrupting now to talk about something you can’t relate to because I have been socially conditioned to think that my opinion is more important than yours.

Male Coworker #2: I will add onto what Male Co-Worker #1 has said, because my privilege has made me blind to the proper ins-and-outs of social interaction and—

You (cool as a cucumber, maybe even amused): Excuse me, idiots. You just interrupted me. As I was saying—

Male Coworker #1: Well, I didn’t mean—

You: You just did it again. Anyway…

To provide an example from real life: I was recently in a meeting with a male co-worker who I consider to be progressive and feminist and a friend. I was making a point when he—as an ALLY no less—interrupted me like a total fucking know-it-all and went onto to explain to me the very point that I was initially trying to make. When he was finished rambling (safe to say, I would have been more succinct), I called him out on what he’d just done in front of the entire room. “Thank you SO MUCH for taking over what I was trying to say,” I joked. “I probably couldn’t have explained it so well because I’m a lady.” Everyone then laughed at my coworker, he felt properly ashamed of himself, and I continued to look awesome. That, my friend, is how you lean the fuck in.

But say you just don’t want to bother anymore (it shouldn’t be your job to correct anyone’s bad behavior), but you still want to be involved in your work culture. Have you considered just asking people out to a one-on-one lunch? It will be much easier for you to build relationships with people when you’re not having to compete with someone else who might have a bigger pre-established common ground with your lunch mate. Besides, the more you build a friendship with your coworker, the more likely it is for you to have your own inside jokes and fall-back things you like to talk about. That way, when you do go out to lunch with multiple coworkers and they start quoting Old School at each other (or whatever it is that men bond over), you can counter with your own shared interests.

If that’s not worth your time, then fuck ‘em. Continue to be your likable, professional self around the office and find other (less male, less monstrous) companions for lunch.

Illustration by Tara Jacoby