Etiquette Monster: This Nosy Lady at the Sauna Won't Stop Asking Me About My Very Large Scar

Today, we’re talking about scars—the physical ones, not the emotional ones.

How do I stop this sauna monster from asking about my scar?

Last year, I was involved in a near fatal car accident and, among other things, broke my right leg in such a way that I have a foot-long scar across my knee to show for it. It’s fairly prominent, and we think of it as my Harry Potter scar.

Recently, my husband and I have discovered a local sauna near us, which has been a real benefit to my rehabilitation. We go fairly regularly, and we have gotten to know the regulars. I was really nervous about going at first, as I was convinced that people would stare at my leg and make comments, but thankfully almost everyone has been really polite, and have only asked us what the story is once I have gotten to know them.

All except for one person. There is one woman who I dread seeing, as she is desperate to talk to me about my injury, and I really, really don’t want to do so. The first time I “met” her, she inflicted herself by sitting down next to me, and announcing in a loud voice, “Wow! That scar looks terrible! What happened?” I was stunned, stammered through an answer, and later left almost in tears.

Now, she comes at least once a month or so when I am there, comes straight over, and insists on asking me if my scar is painful and how my accident happened exactly. She is not a nurse and doesn’t have any kind of medical background as far as I can tell. She is just nosy. Attempts by me to change the subject to anything else don’t work, as she will start talking to me again about the scar.

I don’t want to stop going to the sauna, and I don’t want to humiliate or badly upset this woman, as I feel she is just not very sensitive, and also the regulars at the sauna are a nice group of people. I just need a phrase or something I can say that will shut down the conversation with her, firmly and politely, without seeming rude.

Any ideas?

Harriet Potter

Well, Harriet, first things first, I want to tell you that you truly have the patience of a saint. This sauna bog demon who keeps asking you about your scar is being so rude and inconsiderate that I’m tempted to say, fuck manners—and advise you to tell her, under no uncertain terms, that it’s time she shuts her goddamn mouth.

But that’s not you, and while I love talking a big game, it’s not me either. Yes, there are people who certainly deserve a good telling off, but sometimes confrontation, especially when you’re not up for it, can only make you feel worse. Like you said, there’s a chance (a teeny tiny chance) that this woman is just hapless or socially inept and maybe there’s a way to get her to stop asking about your scar without making her (or you) cry. We’ll try to find that way, because that’s the kind thing to do. (Just please keep in mind: Making her cry is most certainly an option here.)