Enough Foreplay, Asteroids

In an incredible advancement for space defense technology and the safe future of our planet, NASA has successfully diverted the path of an asteroid. The asteroid, Dimorphus, wasn’t actually headed towards Earth, but NASA launched a Double Asteroid Redirection Test (DART) spacecraft just to see if it could divert the thing. Turns out it could, and it did. This is an absolutely great development for all of the hardworking astronauts and space nerds at NASA and those humans still interested in “surviving” on this planet. But, I gotta say, I am tired of hearing about asteroids creeping a little too close to us and never hitting. If a big space rock is hurtling itself toward our blue marble, who are we to interrupt it? In the words of the immortal John Lennon: Let it be.

We’ve had a pretty good run on Earth. We’ve invented over 600 Yankee Candle scents, including Christmas Wish and Christmas Memories. Drew Barrymore has a really wonderful and heart-wrenching interview-style talk show. A new species of sloth was discovered recently. But there’s obviously a lot of pain and torment here, too: We’re stuck in an endless loop of being subjected to both the Try Guys cheating scandal and hearing new opinions on The Oscars Slap. People keep trying to bring the low-rise jeans trend back.

All of this asteroid chatter simply feels like anticlimactic annihilation foreplay. Hit us, or see yourself out! While I’m proud of NASA for teaming up with Italian astronauts to practice knocking an asteroid off of its course, I also am ready for one to just take me now. Why are we delaying the inevitable? If it isn’t an asteroid, it’ll be rising temperatures boiling all remaining potable water, or Kim Jong Un in his Nancy Meyers gardening sunhat launching nukes, or the subterranean Yellowstone volcano exploding and its ash blocking out the sunlight for years. Every day we learn of a new horrifying way our planet will be decimated, and it’s like, Jesus, shit or get off the pot!

Let’s just go ahead see what species repopulates the planet after all the humans and iPhones and Taco Bell Cantinas are wiped out. We probably wouldn’t have ever been here in the first place if it weren’t for Chicxulub, the very fun-sounding asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs. As the brilliant author Amy Hempel once wrote, “How do we know that what happens to us isn’t good?” An asteroid ending human civilization could be the very vibe shift we’ve all been waiting for.