There’s no reason to freak out or anything, but you might want to know that the ground turkey idling in your refrigerator is teeming with antibiotic-resistant poop bacteria that are all biding their time until they can hospitalize you after the Friday cookout you’ve been planning for weeks. Yeah, fecal bacteria can be shitty like that.

A stomach-churning revelation from Consumer Reports shows that lean, heart-healthy ground turkey is awash in turkey shit. More than half the samples tested in the Consumer Reports study contained fecal germs, and nine out of 10 samples harbored at least one of five of the following toxic bacteria: salmonella, E. coli, Staphylococcus aureus and enterococcus.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, the problem is pretty far-reaching:

Researchers tested 257 samples bought at regular grocery stores in 21 states from 27 distinct brands. Yeah, so? It’s raw meat, it’s all riddled with microscopic nasties, just some more than others, right? Well, true, but there’s an added level of ick-factor to this mess. The bacteria continues to evolve into strains super-resistant to antibiotics because, contrary to scientific advice, Big Turkey hasn’t curbed its use of the medicine, the magazine states. The study says a lot of the contamination came from feces in slaughtered turkey guts getting mixed up with the muscle meat.

Big Turkey, meanwhile, says all this poopla is waaaay overblown. I mean, there’s bacteria on literally everything, even on the very hands you use to prepare sandwiches and masturbate with. The National Turkey Federation would just like to remind you that the world is full of germs, so full of germs that you might as well just close your eyes and play some food poisoning roulette with some ground turkey. Then again, if you’re taking advice from a turkey federation, you have far bigger problems than a bacterial turkey burger.


Want a side of fries with that poop burger? [San Francisco Chronicle]

Image via AP, Paul Sakuma