Illustration for article titled Elsewhere, Britney Spears is Doing Beach Yoga
Screenshot: Britney Spears (Instagram)

Every so often, it’s nice to jump down the rabbit hole and into the alternate dimension that is Britney Spears’s Instagram. Somewhere, right now, she is asking boyfriend slash photographer Sam Asghari to film her while she spins around on a cliffside, or poses at the foot of her grand staircase in a bandage dress from 2009. When the world is falling apart, I count on people like Spears to keep on spinning and leaping and thrusting through her innocuous Instagram Stories, inspirational quotes peppered alongside funny-looking plants she found or Dragon Ball Z fan art her son made.

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While at the beach yesterday, Britney wrote on Instagram that she “saw the lifeguard shack and decided to pop in.” And because “nobody was home,” she “did a spin or two because it felt like a tree house.” OK, Britney!

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Besides just spinning around, she also worked her way through a yoga workout while random passerby in Malibu looked on, gentle waves crashing all around her. Seems relaxing! Frankly, I wish I was doing the same.

Earlier in the day, Britney also took herself, a pair of aviators, and her beloved white shorts on a nature hike. While posing next to some live oaks, she mused: “🌳🌳🌳.” Neat! (Side note, I’ve been hiking on the same trail and would highly recommend it in this socially distanced moment.)

Earlier in the week, she had the very special honor of horseback riding through the Valley, which is exactly what I wish I was doing in this moment, instead of sequestered in the city while the state goes on lockdown around me.

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Imagine: You, your horse, your Instagram photography assistant slash boyfriend, and a trek through the great wide spaces dotting Hidden Hills, California. Perhaps you wear a cowboy hat, or a pair of fancy boots. You hear the horse whinny (is that what the fuck it’s called?) beneath you. The wind slowly rustles the trees and grass. Your wild, untamed, chemically processed blonde hair breaks loose of your ponytail and whips around in the wind. Over a mountain you go, until you find yourself at the edge of the Earth. Ocean unfurls in every direction you look. It’s empty at the beach, and so you climb a guard tower, and dance until your heart is singing with joy. On the shoreline, you greet the sun and waves, and walk through a basic yoga routine. You drink deep of the sand and salty air. Your boyfriend smiles at you and raises his thumb to signal the video looks good. [Instagram]

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Last week, while coughing and sneezing on the phone, my mom told me: “I’m fine!” She was ostensibly not fine, from the sound of her voice to the fatigue so clear on the other end of the line. “I’ll stay home this next week,” she told me, “and then I’ll feel better.” Frustrated, I insisted she take things more seriously, considering rumors that states like California would soon be implementing “hold-in-place” measures. “They can’t close down everything,” she said exasperatedly. “What if we need to go to Target?” I felt like screaming. No one should be going to Target if they don’t have to, especially not our parents! Thankfully, Jennifer Garner agrees with me. Isn’t it just wild how absolutely relatable she is?

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On a FaceTime edition of the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, Garner claimed that her parents, despite every warning, still want to go to Sam’s Warehouse right now. She told Fallon: “My parents are the hard ones. I’m like, ‘Dad, mom, the world is shut down to keep you safe.’ And they’re like, ‘We think we’re going to go to Sam’s Warehouse.’ Stay home, you have to stay home!”

I don’t know if it’s because my mom and dad have weathered more disasters than I have—including multiple recessions—but I cannot understate how frustrating it is to feel like your vulnerable parents aren’t taking any of this seriously. Of course, Garner already has more than enough chickens to feed her family for weeks. But still, she’s the relatable queen. She might have a leg up on most of us, but still, it’s nice to know we’re in the same boat! [ET]

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  • Sad news for Hallmark heads! [ET]
  • Rita Ora designed her own coronavirus merchandise! [Daily Mail]
  • Justin Bieber wants to pray with you. [Page Six]
  • Billy Ray Cyrus does not know how to use FaceTime. [Just Jared]
  • Angelica Ross learns why you never post your boyfriends on social media. [Bossip]

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DISCUSSION

I don’t actually find Jennifer Garner very relatable; she’s too Suzy Sunshine for me on a normal day. But this I get. My parents are the worst right now; my mom has COPD and is still welcoming people dropping in for coffee or dinner every day. Yesterday my sister sent texts to the worst repeat offenders asking them to stop going by because we know my mom would never refuse them.