Image: Getty

Christmas traditions are weird. We chop tall trees, rip them from the ground, and lug them into our homes to adorn them with shiny objects like we’re giant magpies. We stuff presents under said trees, claiming that they were placed there by a fat man in a red and white suit who rides a sleigh in the sky. But most of these Christmas traditions, strange as they are, are also fun.

One Christmas tradition that is very bad and not fun, however: Eggnog, a drink described as “egg milk punch.” Excuse me? That is surely the sort of thick stewy drink that a witch from the original Grimm Brothers fairy tales would use to put children to sleep before murdering them.

I’m just going to say it: Eggnog is spiced mayo. If I whisked mayo and cream with a dash of nutmeg and cinnamon, added an ounce or two of rum, and served it in a hot mug, I would have, well, something from Tim’s Kitchen Tips, but also I would have a close approximation to the abomination to the muddled egg slime that is not quite a custard or a cream. I guess this is fine if you really love mayonnaise, a gooey, egg-y cream that generates the same sensation in my taste buds that Lindsey Graham sets off in my head.

Eggnog is just spiced mayo. Drink at your own peril. Preferably, don’t drink it at all.