Edgy Canadian Marching Band Find Lamp Rape Jokes So Funny

Illustration for article titled Edgy Canadian Marching Band Find Lamp Rape Jokes So Funny

The marching band at Queen's University in Kingston, Ontario has been barred from participating in remaining scheduled fall term performances for producing and distributing a book of edgy rape and tit-biting jokes. Ah, college. It's like potty training for the mind, and there's always a contingent of youngsters who can't help but shit themselves on the daily.


The Queens Journal reports that the band's troublesome publication is called The Banner, and it features jokes about getting raped by a lamp, the aforementioned titbiting, and pictures of band members with penises in their mouths rather than trombones and piccolos! In other words, it's so fucking raw, you guys.

It seems like The Banner reads like an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force with a lobotomy and written by unfunny Canadians. Or maybe what would happen if Perez Hilton decided to pretend he was suffering from Tourette's for a day. In the past, the publication's tagline has been "Mouth Raping Your Little Sister Since 1905."

Apparently the "we poke fun at people who can take it" zine has been published for several years as a sort of diaper for the bandmember's developing brain. Copies were distributed to newbies and all recipients were warned not to leave their issues laying around, lest they be discovered. But now that an anonymous source has tipped off University officials to the pamphlet's existence, the Powers that Be have decided to clamp down on both The Banner and the band. Queen's Bands leaders were immediately called to meet with administrators, and following that meeting,
Queen's Bands leaders sent an email to members ordering that every hard (huh huh hard) and digital (huh huh digital) copy of The Banner be destroyed. You know who else burned books? Nazis. Man, that'll be a great joke for next year's issue of The Banner! Bowties are going to spin like never before.

But that's not all administrators have in their Punishment Chest. Performances have been cancelled, yes, but if the band hopes to be reinstated, they're required to take Human Rights and Equality training and work on an action plan in order to prove that they're getting less dumb. Sad trombone.

Bands banned for term [Queens Journal]

Image via cjorgens/Shutterstock



This is the collective statement made by me and my fellow alums of that very marching band. I've edited it down, but our full statement is here: savethe.queensbands.ca

Queen’s University prides itself on inclusion and acceptance of people of all backgrounds, and the University should be applauded for taking steps to ensure students feel welcome and safe. Demeaning content in a club publication is unacceptable, but the steps taken in this case are unnecessarily drastic.

The accountability of student-run organizations is important; however, denying the Queen’s community one of its icons is a tremendous mistake, especially before the most important events of the year. It is a disappointment to the alumni who are denied the chance to see a remaining link to their school, an affront to athletic teams who thrive off of the Bands’ support, and a shame that the University will no longer have a talented group to represent them.

As many of us know, stories such as this have sadly been too common for our school in recent years. They unfortunately damage the school’s reputation both domestically and internationally and a situation such as this could have been kept a private matter. Change - however much that is needed - can be effected at a private, personal level. The public announcement, now covered by national media, serves to publicly tarnish this fine institution and the Bands, a keystone of the Queen’s University experience. Demeaning content in Bands material is unacceptable, but this matter could and should have been approached in a more tactful manner.

Simply put, the Bands are a part of Queen’s that alumni, students, and the public expect to see around campus. In the coming days, their presence will be sorely missed. We hope that the decision to suspend the Bands will be revisited and they will be able to perform at the school’s various upcoming and future events. Although changes should be made to account for any of their wrongdoings, a punishment this extreme only serves to damage the overall spirit of Queen’s University and its 106 year old marching bands.