After a much-needed, restful, absence (for me), Ed Sheeran is back on the scene and he still hasn’t done anything with this goddamn hair. He has, however, released a new album, because I guess he’s still doing that.
This time away has allowed me some perspective on young Ed. Of course, I still wish he’d go away, but as you might have heard during my appearance on Jezebel’s DirtCast, I even went so far as to pay him a compliment.
Now, don’t get too crazy, all I said was that he’s not terrible at writing song lyrics. In fact, he penned one of my favorite songs off Justin Bieber’s last album, “Love Yourself.” I’m adult enough to admit that. Of course, just because you can write good songs doesn’t mean you should sing them, which is my problem with Ed.
When I first heard he newest single, “Shape Of You,” my thought process went something like this: Who is this? Oh my god, is this…?? Yikes. Hm, is white dancehall music a thing now? Jeez, how much better would this song be if it were being sung by somebody else?
Which gave me the idea—would all of Ed Sheeran’s songs be better if they were sung by another artist? Probably! So let’s indulge that thought experiment. I listened to his new album that apparently is titled Divide, but in fact is just the division symbol, which I’m pretty sure translates to “divided by” not just “divide.”
Before you think I’ve gone soft, I should note that I really only listened to about 30 seconds of each song to determine which artist would have done a better job. I’m not insane, guys. So here you have it: all the people who would have sung Ed Sheeran’s songs.
“Eraser”
There are some rap-esque vocal spasms happening here that makes me irrationally angry. Starting off on such an offensive note made it difficult to even move forward with this task, as I deeply feared for what lay ahead. Nevertheless, I plowed forward because we all construct our own versions of hell.
This should have been sung by: Zayn Malik
“Castle On the Hill”
This has sort of a sweeping pop vibe that requires sweeping pop vocals.
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