Dudes Tell All About Their Balls

Welcome back to Guysourcing, where a panel of helpful gentlemen answer your questions. This week’s question concerns something many readers have questions about: balls. We asked dudes, “What do your balls like, and what do they hate? Do they respond to emotional stimuli like fear? Do you like to have partners touch or lick them? Anything surprising ladies should know about your balls?” Here’s how they responded.

Family

Mine are kinda like my grandparents in Florida; beloved, easily intimidated by new experiences, intolerant of sudden temperature changes, and only to be introduced to women I trust. (I’m going to steer clear of wrinkle jokes entirely.) When a girl pays attention to them with a light touch or her tongue, it can be great, but it’s not the kind of thing with which I’d want her to lead; if she did, my immediate reaction wouldn’t be “I bet this will feel great,” as much as “Dear God, if she takes a wrong turn it’ll really, really hurt.” So in short; gentle, occasional attention good, enthusiastic tickling expeditions not so good.

Retreat

Well, obviously they don’t like being kicked. They to like being touched softly and kissed gently, but no teeth. I’ve never had them respond to fear, but they do respond to heat and cold. When it is warmer they hang lower, when it is colder they hang closer to the body. What many women may not know is if you change temperature from hot to cold quickly enough (for example if you jump into a cold lake on a hot day) they will actually go back inside our body and not come back out until it’s warmer and that’s really uncomfortable going both in and out. It should also be said that the idea of blue balls is a total myth. If you really got a guy that turned on he’d just orgasm in his pants.

“Dressing”

Don’t jumble them around like a sack full of marbles. That is just … discombobulating. There are tubes and stuff in there, they ain’t just free floating! That being said … I don’t feel like they are that mysterious. I mean, don’t get me wrong, external genitalia is CRAZY. It isn’t even as simple as any one stimulus— other than cold, the great shrinker — but rather a weird constant cocktail of things. Not that I’m aware of them all that often. One thing you might find of note — “dressing.” As in “Do you dress to the left or to the right?” That is which leg of your pants/boxers your balls hang down. I dress to the left, and to do it otherwise would … probably feel really weird.

Health and wellbeing

More than anything, my balls are happy when they’re comfortable and healthy. It’s not hard to keep them that way. Just have to give ’em enough support (especially during athletic activities), keep them clean and free of excess sweat. That will prevent most skin irritation and rash.

My balls don’t respond well to pressure. There’s really nothing worse than squeezing them between a bike saddle and sit bones, which I’ve done a few times. But I do appreciate some light touching during sexy times.

One other thing I do is a periodic self-exam for testicular cancer, because I’m in an age bracket that’s particularly at risk. That once led to the discovery of a lump that turned out to be a benign cyst, and one terrifying night in the hospital. Self-exams aren’t a flawless detection method, but I figure it takes 60 seconds, so why not?

Sex instructions

Cupping is good. With gentle pulling. Licking upward to the shaft, briefly, also is good. We’re also a little self-conscious of our balls — they’re weird and we know you probably don’t like them hitting you or being awkwardly “there.” But balls are sort of extensions of our penis, and they don’t want to just sit there while it’s getting the attention, except during sex.

Leg-armpits

My dad tells me the only thing more painful than even a light ball tap are hernias. I’ve never had one of those, but I used to play lacrosse through high school and college, and even getting nutchecks with a cup on was frequently enough to instantaneously put me on the ground. So, generally speaking, the less they have to be involved in sex, the better. Sometimes, gently pulling them away from my legs is great, but I don’t really need them to be licked or anything. It’s basically like liking my armpits, but with a greater chance of weird smells. Sure, I clean and talc them and everything, but they’re just…kind of…there.

Macroeconomics

When a girl is touching penis during foreplay, it’s even better if she is touching a balance of penis and balls. Balls-touching feels really nice, it increases variety of sensation, and it doesn’t advance the situation towards ejaculation in the way that penis-touching does. Girls can use the balance between penis-touching and balls-touching to enhance the sexual experience, shifting towards penis-touching when penis isn’t hard enough and shifting towards balls-touching when ejaculation draws dangerously near. Much like how Ben Bernanke lowers federal interest rates when not enough Americans are employed (touching penis to get it hard) and raises federal interest rates when inflation is getting too high (shifting focus from penis to balls to keep penis from ejaculating).

Runner’s ball

I’ve noticed that my balls are their smallest following a run. The longer the run, the tighter my package gets. I’ve never inquired or tried finding out why this happens, I’ve always just assumed it was due to a combination of a healthy breeze down below and continued bouncing.

While I do appreciate my balls protecting and holding my baby making equipment, overall I’m not a big fan. They are dangly and scratchy and sweaty and are perpetually at risk of causing me pain or sticking to my leg. Getting hit in the balls is a very strange sensation. It brings about a strong instant pain, which gives way to a worse lingering feeling somewhere between the penis and the stomach. It feels like someone punched me really hard just below the bellybutton except on the inside, if that makes any sense.

I can honestly say this is the longest I’ve dwelled on my balls, but I hope it was informative. Cheers!