Dudes Are Such Whiny Baby Liars About Girls With Short Hair

Hahaahaaaaahahahaahhaahahahaaha, oh, dudes. It seems like every few weeks some goofball on the internet writes another “article” about how evil women are ruining their crotch-feels by cutting off our long, sexual hair. Leaving aside the fact that YOUR OPINION IS IRRELEVANT BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE’S HAIR NEITHER BELONGS TO YOU NOR EXISTS FOR THE PURPOSES OF YOUR BONER, to those dudes I would just like to say: looolooololololoolololllllooooolol, you fucking LIARS.

Regarding Jennifer Lawrence’s new pixie cut, some pseudonymous goofball from MyBonerIsCrying.com writes:

If you have any female interaction on social media, whatsoever, you may also have seen Jennifer Lawrence’s new ‘do. Though every chick on the planet begs “Can we just be best friends? Why is she perfect?”, you’d only bang her if she lost ten pounds. Now, shedding some lbs. might not even do it. Lawrence didn’t go full-on pixie short, but the results are equally disastrous.

Should have cut her dessert instead.

Aaaaaaaaaaahaahahahahaahahahaaaahahahaa!! AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAA. Oh god, you liar. You fucking little baby lying liar. Hahahaahaha. Haaaaaahhh.

Yeah fucking right you wouldn’t have sex with Jennifer Lawrence. You’d have sex with Jennifer Lawrence even if she shaved all her hair off, dipped her scalp in honey, and then rolled around in Dan Hedaya’s pube clippings. You know how I know you would have sex with “fat,” “man-haired” Jennifer Lawrence? Because you are an insecure, overcompensating, posturing boner whining on the internet about haircuts.

You know what people who like having sex with lots of beautiful women don’t do? Make up a bunch of contorted excuses not to have sex with beautiful women. Cover their ears and yell “LA LA LA WELL I DON’T LIKE YOU ANYWAY.” Pout in public. Bother with any of this shit.

But just to make sure I’m following this correctly, you’re saying that trimming just a few inches off of a beautiful movie star’s hair can send you instantly plummeting into furious visions of naked football coaches? U R TRULY THE BEST HETEROSEXUAL EVR.

I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence is crushed.

Hahahaahahaahaahaahahahahaa.

Haaaahahaha.

Liars.